bridges

so it's T minus three. two, if you don't count today.

im nervous, excited, relieved - all at the same time. the nearer i am closer to leaving, slowly i've been coming out of my shell. but still, it's tough getting adjusted to the way things are here. as much as i try to, i just don't fit in here, or with the work that i'm supposed to do. accounting work may be routine, but i know i'm good at it and i'm organised and skilled enough for it.

oh well, i've been looking for opportunities. i guess it's just a matter of waiting for the right one.

yesterday was jigglyboo's last day at her daycare. i think everyone was kinda sad to see her go. sure she's loud and demanding, but she's also very happy and cheerful. she's grown quite attached to her main caretaker there, to the point that she gets upset when her caretaker isn't around and someone else has to look after her. not really sure how it's gonna be like in a couple of months, but until we find a new daycare that i will be comfortable leaving her at, jigglyboo is either just gonna stay with me, my mom or her old daycare. it just gives me peace of mind.

on the business side, the orders are growing slowly. i'm happy with what i'm doing so far, but not exactly sure how to progress beyond this. i guess it's just gonna have to be a case of crossing the bridge when we reach it.

out loud.

assalamualaikum.

may peace be upon you.

what a lovely way to greet someone, no?

because i think when it comes down to it, that's what most of us want. to be at peace with ourselves, our decisions in life and the people that we love.

for most of my life, i've always been that responsible person. applying early for jobs, making sure all bills are paid on time, making sure budget was in check. but i think it's okay to not know where we're headed sometimes. how would i have imagined my life would change so much with A here?

i think you build the future you want to have. but without courage and effort, it will all go to waste. and confidence. i've always grown up as a less than confident kid, but as i've grown older, i've realized you don't need to shout to be heard.

i don't want to be stuck in a life, doing a job that i don't feel any passion for. i want to care about the things that i do. and for better or worse, that is a decision that i am at peace with.

thirty days

have been back in my baking and cooking mood in the past week. found a great banana peanut butter choc chip muffin recipe that works great as a quick breakfast. we finished the batch within a week, just bringing them to office every morning. and the upside is that it's a healthy muffin made out of bananas, wholewheat flour, greek yogurt, honey, fresh milk and a lil bit of brown sugar. ok, i know i sound like a fod geek but i don't care. i could spend forever looking up and trying out new recipes.

made dark chocolate brownies again last night. even stayed up to make choc chip cookie batter that i threw into the fridge to rest for a night or two, before i get to baking them soon.

also sneaked in a little late night treat. had made some apple crumbles and put them in individual jars for easy serving and had them with two scoops of choc chip ice cream. really don't know why i pay so much for average desserts when eating out when i can have my own, slightly healthier versions of them.

don't worry, i don't just pig out on desserts all day long. most of the time, we just keep a bit and give away the rest to friends. trying to keep a conscious tab on what we eat these days and also its costs. budgeting will soon enough be my best friend.

took a sick day last week. it's just so crazy, at my last job, i went a year without taking a single sick leave. but i've been so overwhelmed and so lethargic this year. maybe i'm just trying to do too much at once. maybe, maybe not.

i thought i did okay earlier today. of course i was nervous. i'm nervous before i do anything. plus, it's been awhile since i actually answered those kind of questions. i guess my skills are kind of rustic but hey, practice makes perfect.

head in clouds.

i feel like my mind is everywhere these days.

thinking about how we're gonna get the house done, about food delivery ideas, about cookies and brownies and cakes, about trying to grow our giftbox business organically.

it's a very foreign place, this state of mind i'm in. i've always been the practical type, wanting a stable fixed income and trying to climb the never-ending corporate ladder. but i feel like lately, i've allowed myself to get creative and enjoy what i'm doing.

i think the only thing that's keeping a lot of us back is fear of failure and the fear of disappointing ourselves and others. but i think i've come to accept the fact that no matter what you achieve in life, some people will just never be happy for you. because you're not living your life according to how they think you should.

it's not easy, no, it's not. i hope i find strength and clarity throughout.

making it work.

"...like it or not, i had to make it work for me."

gotta make the tough choices.

choices, choices.

this year, we've attended more post-raya gatherings than usual. we have seriously made an effort to make it to all the invitations we received. personally, it has been eye-opening for me.

for the past few years, i've pretty much stayed within my same circle of friends; many of whom i've known since we were little kids and with even our parents knowing each other. being brought up within the same community and going to the same schools, sure we have different standards of living but most of us have a have comfortable lives.

trust me, i know how lucky and blessed i am for everything that we already have. but venturing out of my close inner circle has definitely made me realize that although i feel like i'm always struggling to make ends meet, that is a lifestyle of choice. some people truly are working very hard to make ends meet and improve their lives.

things have been challenging this year. no one's fault, except my own. i want to be better. i need to better. just not in the ways i always thought i should be.

it will be.

i feel like i have been spending most of the last couple of weeks in the kitchen at home. and happy to do so, i might add.

i love being at home, cooking and baking. i might not be great at either, but i don't think i'm bad at it either. i've been working on my chocolate chip cookies and have just found a lovely fudge brownie recipe - which i trial-tested on last weekend's get-together for our friends at home and also plan on making them for jigglyboo's Eid party at her daycare this friday.

honestly, i don't know what i want to do with my life. i'm slowly trying to build a business - for now, i'm having to spend on building samples for marketing purposes - but i believe if we work hard and God wills it to be, it will be.

we finally received the house keys to our new home yesterday! what an amazing feeling. i'd actually sort of forgotten what it looked like but i fell in love with it all over again. the ground floor was smaller than i remembered but the top floor was actually bigger than what i had in my memory haha. home-owners. it sure comes with a lot of responsibility though.

still on the hunt for a new job on the other side of town which will help ease the move to the new house. haven't heard back from any yet but it is still early days. for now, will just concentrate on the job-hunting and my little business and hopefully things will work out. sure, after this whole stint at my current job, i feel like i'm better at what i used to do (and i actually feel more useful) - but i know the job demands a lot of time and energy. i'll try my best to dive in and find that part of myself again but i don't plan on doing that forever. i'll probably work until we can find a way of supporting the family (either R finds a job that pays better with benefits or i can make enough income with a side business)  then i think i'd like to concentrate on being at home.

i know, i know, that was never in my plans. i'd always envisioned myself as a career kind of person but i guess circumstances change. and i've changed. but even if i do stay at home in the future, chances are i'd still be working on a career. just a career on my own terms.

if God wills it, it will be. insha Allah.