head in clouds.

i feel like my mind is everywhere these days.

thinking about how we're gonna get the house done, about food delivery ideas, about cookies and brownies and cakes, about trying to grow our giftbox business organically.

it's a very foreign place, this state of mind i'm in. i've always been the practical type, wanting a stable fixed income and trying to climb the never-ending corporate ladder. but i feel like lately, i've allowed myself to get creative and enjoy what i'm doing.

i think the only thing that's keeping a lot of us back is fear of failure and the fear of disappointing ourselves and others. but i think i've come to accept the fact that no matter what you achieve in life, some people will just never be happy for you. because you're not living your life according to how they think you should.

it's not easy, no, it's not. i hope i find strength and clarity throughout.

making it work.

"...like it or not, i had to make it work for me."

gotta make the tough choices.

choices, choices.

this year, we've attended more post-raya gatherings than usual. we have seriously made an effort to make it to all the invitations we received. personally, it has been eye-opening for me.

for the past few years, i've pretty much stayed within my same circle of friends; many of whom i've known since we were little kids and with even our parents knowing each other. being brought up within the same community and going to the same schools, sure we have different standards of living but most of us have a have comfortable lives.

trust me, i know how lucky and blessed i am for everything that we already have. but venturing out of my close inner circle has definitely made me realize that although i feel like i'm always struggling to make ends meet, that is a lifestyle of choice. some people truly are working very hard to make ends meet and improve their lives.

things have been challenging this year. no one's fault, except my own. i want to be better. i need to better. just not in the ways i always thought i should be.

it will be.

i feel like i have been spending most of the last couple of weeks in the kitchen at home. and happy to do so, i might add.

i love being at home, cooking and baking. i might not be great at either, but i don't think i'm bad at it either. i've been working on my chocolate chip cookies and have just found a lovely fudge brownie recipe - which i trial-tested on last weekend's get-together for our friends at home and also plan on making them for jigglyboo's Eid party at her daycare this friday.

honestly, i don't know what i want to do with my life. i'm slowly trying to build a business - for now, i'm having to spend on building samples for marketing purposes - but i believe if we work hard and God wills it to be, it will be.

we finally received the house keys to our new home yesterday! what an amazing feeling. i'd actually sort of forgotten what it looked like but i fell in love with it all over again. the ground floor was smaller than i remembered but the top floor was actually bigger than what i had in my memory haha. home-owners. it sure comes with a lot of responsibility though.

still on the hunt for a new job on the other side of town which will help ease the move to the new house. haven't heard back from any yet but it is still early days. for now, will just concentrate on the job-hunting and my little business and hopefully things will work out. sure, after this whole stint at my current job, i feel like i'm better at what i used to do (and i actually feel more useful) - but i know the job demands a lot of time and energy. i'll try my best to dive in and find that part of myself again but i don't plan on doing that forever. i'll probably work until we can find a way of supporting the family (either R finds a job that pays better with benefits or i can make enough income with a side business)  then i think i'd like to concentrate on being at home.

i know, i know, that was never in my plans. i'd always envisioned myself as a career kind of person but i guess circumstances change. and i've changed. but even if i do stay at home in the future, chances are i'd still be working on a career. just a career on my own terms.

if God wills it, it will be. insha Allah.

weeks.

two more months.

i shouldn't be so calm. but for some reason, i have faith that things will be okay. not perfect, but okay.

am looking as much as the limitations permit me to do so. and if all goes well, the house keys will change hands this coming weekend insha Allah. so i guess that counts as extra motivation.

spent a blissful whole week with family and friends. and of course, our little jigglyboo. she's full of personality nowadays, it somewhat amazes us. she shouts when she wants attention and giggles and laughs uncontrollably when she's happy. she makes sad faces and her lip trembles when she looks around and can't find us. i love watching her grow- it's the most amazing thing.

having her in our lives has made us have to make some tough choices. ideally, we want for her to have the best of everything but there are times when it's just not possible and you have to make do with what you have.

both of us are slowly working on our little business. we're both not the types to push it into people's faces so we're okay with it growing organically. i think that's the best way, anyway.

oh well, gotta get working on the menu for our lil get-together for friends soon.