"stay hungry. stay foolish."

I’ve been thinking about family and parenting styles a lot lately.

My lil sister is about to start her degree program after completing her foundation program in communication. The other three of us are pretty settled in our careers for now. R says, the choices my siblings and I have made over the years, that have led us to our studies and careers, were guided by our parents and their support for us. Which is true. In a sense, we’ve been lucky. We might not be a perfect, typical family (we can be quite dysfunctional at times) but when it comes to studies, careers and basically our financial future, my parents have always been a wealth of support – both in terms of financial and moral.

My mother is the one who pretty much single-handedly raised us; sending us off to countless of tuition classes, extra curriculum sessions, sports and music classes and whatnot. She was our anchor; our moral support – and our hugest supporter/counsellor/friend. My dad was the one who worked a lot – over the years, he has been very demanding and somewhat controlling over our choices – but I think in the end, his heart was always in the right place. And with his hard work and knowledge, we were able to thread through our choices and work out our own career paths.

But it also comes down to pure hard work and determination. In addition to our parents wanting the best for us, we ourselves wanted the best for ourselves. I don’t think it’s fair to discount that factor. Sure, we were lucky but we planned our studies/careers and we work really hard to have gotten where we are today.

So honestly, it disheartens me a lil bit to see some people who just want to live in their own little world and not strive to be better at what they do. They’re just very complacent with what they have. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being happy with what you have but I also believe you have to keep improving yourself; whether it’s your studies, career, or even just your interpersonal skills or knowledge.

I feel extra bad for those who are just so single-track-minded that they don’t see the bigger picture. Sure, it’s important to get really good grades – but you need to keep in mind, what are those grades for? They should just be a part of your stepping stone so you can move on to bigger, better, things. Good grades without savvy thinking is a waste. If you want something, you need to figure out a plan on how to get it. You can’t just wait for things to be handed to you. My parents have always taught us the value of asking questions. If you don’t know, ASK. What does it matter if some people think you’re asking a stupid question? At the end of the day, it’s your gain. And with the internet, everything is possible these days. You just need to know how to use the resources you have.

In the words of the great Steve Jobs, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.”

worry. not.

So, how was everyone’s raya?

Mine was good; I think I’ve somewhat adjusted to the different styles of raya R and I share – the all-out, continuous, visiting relatives with R’s family then the relaxed, raya-food-only-on-the-first-day style we have with my family. Obviously, I get tired easily these days so being out at five different houses in one day is pretty challenging but it wasn’t so bad.

I’ve been thinking about a lot about how our lives are gonna change after the baby comes. The crèche at my office is fully occupied for babies so we’ll just have to put our name on the waiting list and hope there’s an opening in the future. My mom has volunteered to take care of him/her; at least until we find a good place to send her to. So far, no luck. The quality of the places we’ve surveyed just does not put either of us at ease.

And since I’m an accountant at heart, finance is obviously a big factor. We’ll definitely need to make some adjustments in our spending. I’ve been working on a baby budget and it does NOT look pretty. I’ve been trying to put aside some extra money every month so we can at least get the stuff we want without touching our savings. And yes, I know, I could probably get some of the stuff at a cheaper price but I’ve always been a big believer in safety and quality. So, there it is.

Then, after the baby comes, we’ll need to work out a new household budget. Money needs to be put aside for his/her expenses (food, diapers, etc) and a large chunk will probably go towards daycare. Then, there are bills and mortgages to pay off. At this rate, I don’t even want to think about the new house. Maybe we’ll just leave it til everything settles down. Sure, it’d be nice to finally live in a house but then, when I think about the amount of work it’ll need and the amount of cleaning needed to maintain it, I get a headache all over again.

OK, enough about my worries.

Off to lighter stuff.

We’re back off to Kuantan again this weekend for a wedding. Maybe I’ll finally be able to get some keropok lekor (didn’t have time over the raya hols).  Here’s to hoping for stress-free weeks ahead!

lemang. dan rendang.

it's gonna be my first raya away from my family this year. i know, i shouldn't complain because last year rohe had to spend time away from his (and this year it's my turn) and my family-in-law are great people...but it's just weird, you know?

oh, well.

going into my 20th week, i've been feeling a lot better compared to my first trimester. no more daily morning pukes. and my appetite has stabilised a bit. but i'm still careful about what i eat. gynae (yup, we finally settled on one i feel confident about - he's experienced. it's within our budget range and the hospital is right across the street from our place) warned me to watch my carb intake cos he's worried since i'm not very tall, and if the baby ends up being too big...then well, there's gonna be problems. i havent picked up a single pregnancy book yet, which is weird for me. but i've looked up a little info here and there on the net (i told my gynae on my first visit that i need epi for delivery haha). but at the end of the day, i just don't wanna psych myself out. and i don't really have much options on my food intake, seeing as how some food really make me feel sick - so i just try to take my meds and not feel guilty about anything else.

i still haven't told that many people about the pregnancy, apart from close friends. not that i want to hide it or anything but i just don't feel comfortable when people ask me about it. and i honestly don't know how to feel about it. people expect me to be like over the moon with happiness, and as horrible as it sounds, i'm not. i don't dislike my pregnancy, i just don't really have any feelings about it. i want him/her to be healthy and safe and i know our lives are going to be so different once he/she arrives, but apart from that, i really don't know what to do. the funny thing is, i've always been a planner when it comes to every other aspect in my life, but when it comes to this, i'm sort of clueless. i haven't bought a single baby item and i just don't feel prepared emotionally or financially.

i know everyone says, semua anak ada rezeki masing-masing. but that doesn't do much to alleviate my worries when it comes to financial matters. i've always been quite careful with my money and i feel like so much is going on right now. we finally feel settled in at the new apartment but soon our house will be ready and we'll have to think about in addition to the monthly loan payment; how we're going to come up with the extra moolah to do all the furniture and fittings and renovation stuff. at the same time, the baby is coming so that's another extra allocation we need to set aside for his/her expenses.

but then when i take some time to step back and think about how different my life is now compared to what my life was just a year ago, i feel so grateful and blessed. this time, last year i wanted to make my own raya cookies but with work, it just wasn't possible. i'd just been married for a little over a month and i have to admit, my life pretty much revolved around work. even when i wasn't physically in the office (which was rare), i was at home doing work. don't get me wrong, i learned a lot and i loved my bosses and friends there but the job just consumed me.

this time around, i pretty much took it easy. with the pregnancy and all, i'm just doing what feels right for my body. i leave work at the office (i rarely leave after 6pm) and at the same time, i feel like i have time to learn and absorb from all the courses i'm attending. thankfully, my sickness eased up just in time for the holiday period and i've been feeling well enough to work on a number of baking projects with R. it's been pretty fun; we've made orange cakes, lemon cookies, choc chip cookies and peanut butter-jelly cookies.

and the best part is i don't have to plan my life around work anymore. i mean, obviously i take into account deadlines and courses that i need to attend and all, but i've been able to take time off to go for my monthly gynae appointments and also take raya leave without feeling guilty and suffering the consequences when i come back into work. i've been reading friends' statuses on fb - on how they can't enjoy raya because they have demanding deadlines and some have had to shorten their leaves and whatnot; and i feel so relieved that i'm not in that position anymore.

so this year, i'm thankful for everything i've gone through which has made me a better, stronger person. and i'm also very, very grateful for everything i have today.