bridges

so it's T minus three. two, if you don't count today.

im nervous, excited, relieved - all at the same time. the nearer i am closer to leaving, slowly i've been coming out of my shell. but still, it's tough getting adjusted to the way things are here. as much as i try to, i just don't fit in here, or with the work that i'm supposed to do. accounting work may be routine, but i know i'm good at it and i'm organised and skilled enough for it.

oh well, i've been looking for opportunities. i guess it's just a matter of waiting for the right one.

yesterday was jigglyboo's last day at her daycare. i think everyone was kinda sad to see her go. sure she's loud and demanding, but she's also very happy and cheerful. she's grown quite attached to her main caretaker there, to the point that she gets upset when her caretaker isn't around and someone else has to look after her. not really sure how it's gonna be like in a couple of months, but until we find a new daycare that i will be comfortable leaving her at, jigglyboo is either just gonna stay with me, my mom or her old daycare. it just gives me peace of mind.

on the business side, the orders are growing slowly. i'm happy with what i'm doing so far, but not exactly sure how to progress beyond this. i guess it's just gonna have to be a case of crossing the bridge when we reach it.

out loud.

assalamualaikum.

may peace be upon you.

what a lovely way to greet someone, no?

because i think when it comes down to it, that's what most of us want. to be at peace with ourselves, our decisions in life and the people that we love.

for most of my life, i've always been that responsible person. applying early for jobs, making sure all bills are paid on time, making sure budget was in check. but i think it's okay to not know where we're headed sometimes. how would i have imagined my life would change so much with A here?

i think you build the future you want to have. but without courage and effort, it will all go to waste. and confidence. i've always grown up as a less than confident kid, but as i've grown older, i've realized you don't need to shout to be heard.

i don't want to be stuck in a life, doing a job that i don't feel any passion for. i want to care about the things that i do. and for better or worse, that is a decision that i am at peace with.

thirty days

have been back in my baking and cooking mood in the past week. found a great banana peanut butter choc chip muffin recipe that works great as a quick breakfast. we finished the batch within a week, just bringing them to office every morning. and the upside is that it's a healthy muffin made out of bananas, wholewheat flour, greek yogurt, honey, fresh milk and a lil bit of brown sugar. ok, i know i sound like a fod geek but i don't care. i could spend forever looking up and trying out new recipes.

made dark chocolate brownies again last night. even stayed up to make choc chip cookie batter that i threw into the fridge to rest for a night or two, before i get to baking them soon.

also sneaked in a little late night treat. had made some apple crumbles and put them in individual jars for easy serving and had them with two scoops of choc chip ice cream. really don't know why i pay so much for average desserts when eating out when i can have my own, slightly healthier versions of them.

don't worry, i don't just pig out on desserts all day long. most of the time, we just keep a bit and give away the rest to friends. trying to keep a conscious tab on what we eat these days and also its costs. budgeting will soon enough be my best friend.

took a sick day last week. it's just so crazy, at my last job, i went a year without taking a single sick leave. but i've been so overwhelmed and so lethargic this year. maybe i'm just trying to do too much at once. maybe, maybe not.

i thought i did okay earlier today. of course i was nervous. i'm nervous before i do anything. plus, it's been awhile since i actually answered those kind of questions. i guess my skills are kind of rustic but hey, practice makes perfect.

head in clouds.

i feel like my mind is everywhere these days.

thinking about how we're gonna get the house done, about food delivery ideas, about cookies and brownies and cakes, about trying to grow our giftbox business organically.

it's a very foreign place, this state of mind i'm in. i've always been the practical type, wanting a stable fixed income and trying to climb the never-ending corporate ladder. but i feel like lately, i've allowed myself to get creative and enjoy what i'm doing.

i think the only thing that's keeping a lot of us back is fear of failure and the fear of disappointing ourselves and others. but i think i've come to accept the fact that no matter what you achieve in life, some people will just never be happy for you. because you're not living your life according to how they think you should.

it's not easy, no, it's not. i hope i find strength and clarity throughout.

making it work.

"...like it or not, i had to make it work for me."

gotta make the tough choices.

choices, choices.

this year, we've attended more post-raya gatherings than usual. we have seriously made an effort to make it to all the invitations we received. personally, it has been eye-opening for me.

for the past few years, i've pretty much stayed within my same circle of friends; many of whom i've known since we were little kids and with even our parents knowing each other. being brought up within the same community and going to the same schools, sure we have different standards of living but most of us have a have comfortable lives.

trust me, i know how lucky and blessed i am for everything that we already have. but venturing out of my close inner circle has definitely made me realize that although i feel like i'm always struggling to make ends meet, that is a lifestyle of choice. some people truly are working very hard to make ends meet and improve their lives.

things have been challenging this year. no one's fault, except my own. i want to be better. i need to better. just not in the ways i always thought i should be.

it will be.

i feel like i have been spending most of the last couple of weeks in the kitchen at home. and happy to do so, i might add.

i love being at home, cooking and baking. i might not be great at either, but i don't think i'm bad at it either. i've been working on my chocolate chip cookies and have just found a lovely fudge brownie recipe - which i trial-tested on last weekend's get-together for our friends at home and also plan on making them for jigglyboo's Eid party at her daycare this friday.

honestly, i don't know what i want to do with my life. i'm slowly trying to build a business - for now, i'm having to spend on building samples for marketing purposes - but i believe if we work hard and God wills it to be, it will be.

we finally received the house keys to our new home yesterday! what an amazing feeling. i'd actually sort of forgotten what it looked like but i fell in love with it all over again. the ground floor was smaller than i remembered but the top floor was actually bigger than what i had in my memory haha. home-owners. it sure comes with a lot of responsibility though.

still on the hunt for a new job on the other side of town which will help ease the move to the new house. haven't heard back from any yet but it is still early days. for now, will just concentrate on the job-hunting and my little business and hopefully things will work out. sure, after this whole stint at my current job, i feel like i'm better at what i used to do (and i actually feel more useful) - but i know the job demands a lot of time and energy. i'll try my best to dive in and find that part of myself again but i don't plan on doing that forever. i'll probably work until we can find a way of supporting the family (either R finds a job that pays better with benefits or i can make enough income with a side business)  then i think i'd like to concentrate on being at home.

i know, i know, that was never in my plans. i'd always envisioned myself as a career kind of person but i guess circumstances change. and i've changed. but even if i do stay at home in the future, chances are i'd still be working on a career. just a career on my own terms.

if God wills it, it will be. insha Allah.

weeks.

two more months.

i shouldn't be so calm. but for some reason, i have faith that things will be okay. not perfect, but okay.

am looking as much as the limitations permit me to do so. and if all goes well, the house keys will change hands this coming weekend insha Allah. so i guess that counts as extra motivation.

spent a blissful whole week with family and friends. and of course, our little jigglyboo. she's full of personality nowadays, it somewhat amazes us. she shouts when she wants attention and giggles and laughs uncontrollably when she's happy. she makes sad faces and her lip trembles when she looks around and can't find us. i love watching her grow- it's the most amazing thing.

having her in our lives has made us have to make some tough choices. ideally, we want for her to have the best of everything but there are times when it's just not possible and you have to make do with what you have.

both of us are slowly working on our little business. we're both not the types to push it into people's faces so we're okay with it growing organically. i think that's the best way, anyway.

oh well, gotta get working on the menu for our lil get-together for friends soon.

find that fine line

what a sad day.

i don't normally write about current affairs here (i have twitter for that) but still it's been one tragedy after another lately. with mh370, and the incursion by israelis into gaza and then with mh17 being shot down...and these are just the latest events. not even counting the countless sufferings by the rohingya in myanmar, the crisis in middle east, the starving people around the world... sometimes i wonder, what kind of world we live in. we can't even protect children and babies from dying needlessly; humankind is certainly failing each other.

it makes you put things into perspective. all this that we have, could be gone in a split second. and i realize, that while money is important, it's not everything. i hope i don't leave this world one day, regretting not spending enough time with my family and friends, not making each moment with R count, not seeing jigglyboo take important milestones in her life. so yeah, i guess i need to make enough money to have a comfortable life but i also don't wanna be obsessed with it and forever chasing more of it.

hopefully we'll be able to find a fine line of balance.

mysterious ways.

i guess if you talk about it (or in my case, write about it) often enough, eventually it's gonna happen. i know i've been talking about how i've been feeling at work for quite some time now. so after an emergency episode involving jigglyboo earlier this week, i finally took the plunge.

it's not the most rational decision i've made, but when it came down to it, i just cannot pretend that these feelings don't exist. i've been unhappy. i've tried and held on to this job for more than a year now. but deep down, i've always known that i don't fit in here. i've lost a sense of who i am. and really, no one here knows the real me.

so am closing this chapter in three months. not really sad to see it go, but it's taught me a lot. about what i want in life, and what i don't want. the job might come with a big name and cushy benefits and all that jazz, but i've come to realise that it isn't enough. i need something that makes me feel alive, that motivates me to go to work everyday. an environment that i look forward to facing, no matter how challenging it is.

i guess i'm apprehensive about what the future is gonna bring. but all i can do is be the best version of myself and leave the rest to the universe. i'm having to be very picky about what kind of work that i can do now, with a little one that needs my attention at home and on an ongoing basis. before, i would've thrown my whole self into work, not caring about day or night. but these days, i need to be smart about things.

they say, God works in mysterious ways and i believe that He knows best. may we be strong and united. amen.

heart over mind.

i must say, i don't deal with internal struggles very well. mostly because i've been brought up to be a very practical and rational person; to not make decisions according to my whims and fancy, to always weigh pros and cons.

but lately, i feel like i've been battling with myself. i don't enjoy my work. there, i said it. actually, that's not accurate, i enjoy my work, i just don't enjoy my working environment. i've been here for slightly over a year now, and i think i just need to face the facts: i don't fit in here. it's not because everyone isn't nice, because they are. but i guess i was lucky in my previous job, because i had fantastic, motivating bosses and although the work was stressful and the hours were crazy, i enjoyed going to work.

but to be fair, the life i led on my previous job wasn't really healthy. i worked late, and on some weekends and occasional public holidays. i didn't have time to eat well. i worked at the office, and i worked at home. if i recall those times, i was always stressed, waiting for the next issue that needed to be solved. but the working time was flexible, and i always got replacement leaves, although being on leave was stressful in itself cos my mind would still be on work.

so, what is it that i miss so much about my old job? the people. sure, there were people i couldn't stand but i could just ignore them most of the time, but i had my group of close friends. my boss was more of a friend to us instead of an imposing figure, so we were never afraid to ask questions. and i had real friendships there.

here, the work is fine. the pace has picked up this year compared to last year, although for some reason the boss thinks we're still free, which i don't know how that is assessed, cos most of our work is ad-hoc. but the real issue here i think is, i don't have the same level of friendships that i used to have. at the old job, i was stressed, but we still had a good time. here, i'm not stressed, but at the same time, i don't feel ANYthing.

one of my best friends put it succintly:"you just haven't found the right place."

i guess that's true. i know we can't have the best of both worlds. it's not fair of me to expect to have the best boss, the best colleagues, the best environment. i thought i could do without friendships at the office, with only colleagues. but i feel like i've been trying for more than a year now, and i don't feel like i'm fitting in any better. in fact, on the contrary, i feel like more of an outsider than ever. and i'm afraid it's showing in my work. i don't have that motivation, that passion. we used to make fun of my ex-boss for being so motivating and all, but i now realise how important that is; to know that your boss supports you and likes you and cares for you as a human being.

so i guess that's the way it is. i've always held on to that saying, "if you don't like something in your life, change it. if you can't change it, change your attitude." so i'm gonna keep to that. it's time for me to make some changes. some people might not understand my choices, and argue that i'm looking for the impossible. but i honestly don't think i should settle. i know finding happiness through work exists. i've seen it in other people. i've found part of that happiness in colleagues and bosses before. so yes, i am going to make those changes. i don't know whether these changes will work or not, but i can't live my life not trying.

i think i've lived all of my life trying to make my parents happy. i've always projected my own high expectations on myself, which has definitely gotten me this far but maybe it's time i made myself happy for a change.

anyway, happy weekend and ramadhan greetings to all.

happiness isn't a myth

so we're back from our little getaway, which was also to celebrate our two years of marriage. yup, it's been two years. funny, we've never celebrated anniversaries pre-marriage (we just couldn't be bothered to agree on a date). but with jigglyboo around now, life just seems that more complete. we're learning new things about her everyday and that is like an adventure in itself for us.

i still remember my wedding day, cos i had so much fun. it was tiring but i was so happy. family and family friends came during the day reception - which one of my oldest friends came to, stepped into the hall, looked around, and stated plainly, "this is so not you."haha. but since my dad and i agreed to disagree, we agreed to hold the day reception according to his taste and he would pay for that one and i would hold a small (around 50 people) little garden wedding dinner for my closest friends at night which i would pay for (my mom helped a bit, heh).

anyhow, the same friend came to my night wedding dinner, looked around, and went "now, THIS is you." i still remember those memories. and looking at photos still make me smile. our friends were so great in helping us out, the food was great and the weather was awesome. i know lots of people sacrifice their own dreams and ideas in favor to please their own parents, and i must say i was lucky. i simply got the best of both worlds.

anyhow, our first trip, just the three of us, went really well. jigglyboo had no problems with flying at all. she was pretty much a happy baby throughout the whole process, except for the last day, of which we suspected she might have a slight tummy ache. looking forward to building many more memories ahead.

finished my first real giftbox as a present to a girlfriend for her birthday. it turned out very well and i'm so proud of it! still thinking of a perfect name, i have a few suggestions but haven't really settled on it yet.

ps. there was an unpleasant episode of our struggles with our tummies over the last week but i won't dwell on that. let's just say, when your tummy rebels, there's really not much that you can do.

the little things

the happiness i get when working on these simple little things; i can't describe them. they're simple joys in life, but much-appreciated. 

i never tire of trying out new recipes. sometimes, they don't turn out so well. and i move on. my latest batch of lactation cookies turned out nicely-crispy, i could cry. baked them around midnight, while R was snoozing on the sofa and jigglyboo was snoring in her crib. i enjoy spending time working on the soft dough; throwing in some choc chips and pumpkin seeds and heapfuls of brewer's yeast. i think this recipe is a keeper, and will probably use them again if my box of goodness comes into reality.

then, there's that box R put together for me. funny, how you realize the things that you enjoy doing, in the most unexpected ways. R and i were walking around publika the other day and i pointed out a couple of wooden boxes to him. they did cost a little pretty penny but i wanted them so bad, that he said he'd make them for me. like, really. he'd MAKE them, haha. and he certainly did. hopefully this little project we have in mind will turn out into something beautful.

food. oh, glorious food. there are people who like socialising over food, but aren't really bothered about the food itself. well, i'm not one of those people. i enjoy my food. and i enjoy preparing them. i feel like food made out of whole, natural produce can never go wrong. and a love for the things you do, will always shine through. 

fun and colors

so, a couple of friends managed to persuade us to sign up for this. i've never been to a color run before and it looks like so much fun, although will have to be extra careful since we're bringing jigglyboo along with us. we had some concerns on whether all the colors thrown around would be safe for her but it looks like a family-oriented event so should be okay. kinda excited now!

also, looking forward to our trip to east malaysia next week. both of us havent been to that particular state so it's definitely gonna be a fun experience. we have our tickets and accommodation all settled, so we're just gonna keep our options for things-to-do open til we get there. only agenda that we have set in stone: seafood! haha

will be spending a couple of nights at a place near the mountains. really looking forward to the peace and tranquility over there. ok, i'm excited about visiting the cow farms too! haha.

been so tired since the past weekend. i keep meaning to make some cookies and desserts after work. but once we get home and we're done with dinner and some house chores, i'm always so exhausted. but i did get a good night's sleep last night, thanks to R who woke up and fed jigglyboo, so hopefully will be fresher tonight.

here's to some fun days ahead filled with love and laughter.

get some. wholesome.

i feel stronger and stronger about this idea by day.

i don't need it to be a big project, i just want something to call my own. something that i've built. i care about my health and i care about the kind of food that i eat (i have my weak moments - cakes and cookies, i'm blaming you) - maybe i could share that love with some people.

have already started hosting little dinner parties at home for our closest friends. can't expect them to be objective, i know, but you can more or less see which types of food are a hit and which ones are not. taking that into account, need to practice more and widen the variety. these little parties can be kind of expensive since i insist on using good stuff but more often than not, except for the main course, they are things i already have at home - which is why i am always partial to throwing little dinners at the spur of the moment. i don't really earn anything but it still gives me so much joy.

maybe it's time to let my little experiment branch out. will probably give it a go in the next couple of weeks. been actively hunting down recipes to try. wish me luck!

musical chairs.

been thinking a lot about how we're going to get our house ready once we're ready to move in. we really, really need to start tucking away money for renovations and furniture and fittings and all that jazz, cos i know we'll need a lot.

i know some people say they'd rather just move in first then get the whole decorating thing slowly done. well, not me. i'd like for the house to be mostly ready before we move in. i guess we need to start looking at contractors that can work on the house later on. i've seen how my brother works on the interior of his house - it seems like a tedious but fun process, which i don't mind since there isn't any rush to it. his and my SIL's place is gorgeous, looks like it's one of those chic-hipster cafes. but then again, my taste has always been a bit different in the sense that i like my house bursting with colors and cozy vibes.i'm not really the modern type, no.

seriously torn about this whole moving issue. on one hand, i don't think it's necessary for us to move right away, especially when the distance from the new place to our workplaces will be quite far. it'll have quite an impact on our finances too, if we keep up with the traveling.

but on the other hand, maybe the move will be good for us too. sure, it's quite a distance from kl (and we're used to living like, really close to everything) but that can also be positive in the sense that we'll be able to stay in and focus on our own family more. and we're worried about bringing up jigglyboo at the current place we're staying at. it's not a bad place but the mannerisms of the kids that stay there leave much to be desired. we need to start trying to instill manners and discipline into jigglyboo early on, while she's still small - and basically we just don't want her to be surrounded by an environment that isn't healthy for her.

so i guess, that leaves us with a choice. to choose current comforts or future benefits. choices, choices.

photo credit: second charm

a message of love

'tis the season for graduation ceremonies in the states, which means it's also the season for commencement speeches.

i've always loved watching or reading commencement speeches. they are empowering, funny and inspiring. so far, my faves are obviously the infamous one by steve jobs and also ellen degeneres (look it up if you haven't seen it). this year, i haven't had the time to go through many yet but the one that's caught my attention so far is the one by John Legend at U Penn. actually, John Legend impresses me just by being married to Chrissy Teigen, my fave model, hands-down, not because of her beauty per se (which she obviously is) but because of her realness.

"So love your self, love your work, love the people around you. Dare to love those who are different from you, no matter where they're from, what they look like, and who they love."

you should read the entire speech HERE, it will make a difference to your day, i assure you.

mr legend is right. the opposite of love isn't hate, it is fear. nowadays especially, you see so many people hating each other - for their different ideologies, for their different backgrounds, for their different religions. why is it so easy to hate? because people are afraid of things that they don't know. but instead of making an effort to try and understand people that are different from them and bridge those differences, it is so much easier to just
keep their distance and stay huddled in their own safe world.

i have always believed in love and kindness. i choose to believe in the best of people instead of their worst. eventhough this sometimes gets me hurt and people make fun of this naivety, i choose to stand firm in my beliefs. i do not want to waste my energy in being negative towards others.

especially now, with jigglyboo in our lives, i would want her to go out into the world and explore. and i hope that when faced between love or fear, she will always choose love.

celebrate.

remember that i was planning on making brownies for R's birthday? well, last week i made two pans of em.

the first one was this photo above, which actually turned out quite well (threw in some pumpkin seeds for goodluck since my attempt at making brownies always end up in disaster!). in between myself, R, my sister and a friend of hers who slept over at our place last weekend, the brownies went quite fast. then since tuesday was a public holiday, we had a few friends over for dinner (when i went to feed jigglyboo then promptly conked out on the bed next to her, leaving R and our friends to their own devices playing monopoly haha). anyway, baked another pan of brownies for that night (this time with whole-wheat flour and dark chocolate), different but good all the same.

also have a bunch of arts and crafts stuff (glitter glue, colored paper, markers and the likes) leftover from the stuff i bought to make props for R's birthday (which went quite well, methinks).

i know it's super early days yet, but already planning my joint birthday with jigglyboo in my head, haha. i wonder if we'll be nicely moved in the new house by then (probably not, seeing as we havent even gotten the keys to the house yet and we'll need time to save up for renovation and decorating works). can't wait to have a housewarming party (altho my poor friends will have to travel all the way just to come haha). oh well.

but if we do decide to move, i guess i'll have to be on the lookout for new career opportunities closer to that side of town. i mean, i think i already have a pretty good job here already but it wouldn't be very practical to keep shepherding jigglyboo around with all that traveling distance. sigh. so i guess, will have to put off the moving in anyway then.

excited to have our own space, i haven't stayed in any landed houses since college days (except for the parents house, of course). but not excited at all the cleaning up that it requires. i barely have time to clean up the current apartment, much less a whole house.

anyway, back to the earlier topic of birthdays. yes, this year, me and jigglyboo are gonna have a joint birthday celebration! never really been into joint celebrations but if i have to share with someone, might as well be with her.

speaking of jigglyboo, she's at that age where everything she does seems just adorable. but seriously, she spends most of her waking hours just laughing and playing! just got ourselves a food processor to get ready for her days of starting her on solids. only a few weeks away, so excited!

milestone.

it was R's birthday yesterday. he's hit the big 3-0. sadly, we didn't have time to celebrate as we were both exhausted. it was jigglyboo's first day at her nursery and she wailed her little heart out on the way to and back from the nursery. but apart from the traveling, i think she's adapting well with the new environment. at least, that's what R told me since he's in charge of sending her and picking her up. i hope we get an opening at the creche downstairs (run by the same people) soon. i think the distance is shorter - but we just gotta make do with what we have now.

i was actually planning to bake a cake or some kind of dessert last night after making dinner but then the electricity went out throughout the whole two blocks of our apartment. so we haven't even celebrated R's birthday with a cake yet. sigh. anyway, we left all the dirty dishes out and we all went to sleep early. the electricity came back on around midnight, thankfully.

jigglyboo woke up around 4am for milk and i couldn't go back to sleep so i went around the apartment, doing laundry and washing dishes. also prepped the stuff for the chicken sandwiches that R and i are going to bring to work later.

this got me thinking, i'm not really a super-cook but i like preparing simple, relatively healthy meals. maybe i should start a home-based, take-away lunch business. i like my job but i feel like we should be channelling our energy into something i'm passionate about, no? oh well, i guess it's something to think about.

we used up our furniture voucher over the weekend and got ourselves a new bed and mattress. if we do move to the new house, at least we'll have enough beds for each room haha.

the parents and my sister A are on a two-week trip to europe. ah, so nice. i guess i've gotten used to seeing them all the time that i kind of miss them.

can't wait for the weekend; planning on trying some new recipes. ina garten's tomato sauce from scratch is soundng really good. mmm.

choose.

not exactly sure why, but the moment i saw THIS on the HONY instagram account that i follow, this post struck a chord within me.

it's pretty tough being a woman these days. if you don't work, you get accused of mooching off your husband and being unproductive then if you work, you get accused of not caring for your family enough and being selfish. sometimes, you can never win.

growing up, it never occurred to me that i wouldn't work, even after marriage. sure, i never knew how i would make it work if i had kids, but somehow, i had faith that i would be able to juggle it all somehow. so here i am, married with a kid, and still working, as i always thought i would be. it's only been a few months and boy, is it challenging but i wouldn't have it any other way.

i won't lie, i work partly for selfish reasons. i'd like to sustain my lifestyle (i like to eat out and try different cafes once in awhile and i like to cook using good ingredients - i try to buy organic as much as i can) and working keeps my mind stimulated. i was on maternity leave for two months, and i liked being at home, but i also missed work -  although these days i never have time to catch up with all my tv series.

i have full admiration for women who stay home with their kids full-time (some even have businesses on the side!) - but i don't think i could do that. it would drive me crazy. i love jigglyboo but i also love working. and i want her to grow up knowing that she can have anything she aims for, as long as she works for it.

if she wants to be a stay-at-home-mom, that's great but be smart about it. always have savings tucked aside if anything goes wrong. let it be her own choice and not because she's forced to.and if she chooses to work, i hope she pursues a career that makes her feel happy and fulfilled. i hope she doesn't go to work feeling miserable every morning. i hope she takes pride in her work and inspires herself to always achieve her best, and who knows, maybe even inspires others. i hope jigglyboo never feels like she has to choose between a career or a family in the future. sure, the path may not be exactly as what we plan it out to be but there is always a way to make things work.

at the end of the day, i am proud to be a woman - its advantages and all the challenges that come with it. i am happy that today, the women i know have a choice on what to make of their lives. to work, not to work - it comes down to what you feel is best for yourself and for your family. and whatever the choices that we make, we can wear them with pride. i can only hope that one day all women, everywhere, have that same choice.

calculate.

how was your weekend?

we had a lovely one. R and i brought jigglyboo to the park on saturday morning; although we were running late, it turned out well. R and i, along with a good friend of ours, A, have this park-hopping thingy going on. so any available weekend, we try to explore a new park with jigglyboo. so far, we've been to a couple of parks in putrajaya and this time, we went to the one in TTDI. as usual, i feed jigglyboo before the walk so she doesn't get cranky and of course as soon as we hit the walking trail, she falls asleep. haha. oh well, i would too, if i had someone pushing me in a stroller.

jigglyboo has been swimming once, and she loved it, so i think we'll try it again this coming weekend. it's kinda funny cos some people warned us that once the baby came, we wouldn't be able to get out of the house much. honestly, i think it's more to the contrary. we go out as much as we used to; we just do different things. we want jigglyboo to get as much fresh air as she can, so we try to set up walks in the parks and those kind of things. we can't go climbing with our other friends cos the place isn't exactly baby-friendly. we still go out for family dinners and stuff. sure, we need more time to get ready and sometimes a detour to the baby changing room (or even a nappy change in the car!) is inevitable but i'm happy to report we manage okay.

anyway, after the park excursion, we dropped by one of the meat shops and bought some lamb because i had one of my best friends coming over later to hang out and i wanted to try out a lamb recipe for her and R. the thing is, i never cook lamb cos i don't eat it. but i found a jamie oliver recipe recently that seemed fairly simple and my loved ones like lamb, so why not, right? also happy to report that the lamb along with the mashed potatoes turned out well. so happy! also made some lemon grilled chicken for myself and a serving of green beans to share (wholegrain mustard, lemon juice and olive oil make for a yummy dressing!).

my girl friend, K, brought along some appetizers, these crab rangoons, made up of crabsticks and cream cheese and wrapped up in wantan skin then deep-fried. sounds so weird but actually so yummy!

had over another good friend of ours, B, to join us for dinner. so all in all, it was a saturday well spent.

jigglyboo, R and i all slept in sunday morning so it was almost noon by the time i made some french toast and caramelized bananas for our brunch. then i finally got working on doing my tax e-filing. i just realised i had a spike in income last year and the office didn't do enough deductions, so i owe quite a bit to the IRB now. we even dropped by an IRB office (otw to rohe's football game) to make sure some of my details were correct - so i could proceed with the payment. this is my first time paying a significant amount of tax and boy, does it hurt, haha. but then again, my mom is right, i should be thankful for making the money that i make and the whole point of paying tax is my way of giving back. fine, fine.

lots of things to settle end of this month/early next month. let's hope everything goes smoothly.

spring

how was your weekend?

mine was alright, both R and i took friday off to attend a kenduri in his hometown and stayed there til sunday. got back to KL, had dinner with my mom and sister then went back to our place that looks like it got hit by a tornado.

went to sleep not feeling so well, then woke up with a flu and sore throat. decided to take the day off and R folowed suit to take care of me and jigglyboo. planned on resting and helping R get the house back in order but ended up spending the day just playing around with jigglyboo haha. but we did get started on laundry (isn't there a device that i can use to throw in my clean laundry and it comes out all neatly folded and ironed?). and R did clean our room. i guess we'll work on the living room and the remaining laundry tonight.

i feel like i need to throw out half the stuff in our house, just don't know where to start. i really need to take this wkend off and just stay at home and spring-clean.

random: chrissy teigen posted a lamb recipe earlier. although i don't eat lamb at all, R likes it. maybe i'll make it this wkend. seems easy enough. my fave thing to do on wkends is having a roast dinner.

oh, i still haven't gotten around to doing my tax filin, argh! i have all the receipts and statements ready in my file, just need to make an effort to sit down and do it.

sweet.

i can't remember the last time i actually sat down on the sofa and just watched E! News or something (yes, yes, i watch E! in my spare time, judge me all you want).

having a baby is an incredible thing but it's definitely hard work. especially, when you're someone like me, who insists on cooking homemade food to make sure it's healthy and making lactation cookies cos my milk supply is slightly decreasing and bringing jigglyboo out for a swim or to the park and all sorts of stuff - all this while managing a full-time job and working with a limited monthly budget - things really ARE getting expensive! i suppose everyone has their own challenges, but those are mine, personally.

anyway, jigglyboo is almost 4 months now and since a yoga instructor friend recommended i rest til after i passed the 3-months-mark, i've only started going to weekly classes this month. guess i'm lucky, cos outside classes can cost me like, rm40/class but the office offers classes at a subsidized rate of rm40/month (which obviously works out to rm10/class). untung, alhamdulillah. it's a one-hour class during lunchtime, so that means that i have to rush a bit on tuesdays and gobble up my lunch or eat a sandwich at my table at 2pm, post-class.

one of my best friends is doing this rocktober thingy with her colleagues - it sounds fun, but i've always sucked doing things with only youtube guidance. i did tara stiles workouts for awhile, but i always end up cheating out of the hard poses haha. i guess i'm just the kind of person who needs human presence :/

i used to take bodybalance classes a couple of years back. at my old uni, they had a walk-in policy of like 10 dollars per class, so i always went to those. bodybalance classes are normally set to a series of songs (and they change up the routines and songs every few months) - i attended it during the period where the script's "breakeven" song was the lead song - which has led me to always associate "breakeven" to working out haha.

anyways, there aren't that many places that offer bodybalance classes in kl, and for the ones that do, they're a part of a gym. after two unsucessful gym membership stints, i just refuse to sign up for another gym membership. i know, it works for some people, it's just not for me. i guess i like to mix things up - right now, i'm doing yoga, then once i get my upper body strength back i'll go back to climbing. and maybe once i have time (and money) to actually go find an outfit, i'll go swimming again. just don't ask me to run! R keeps going on and on (and on) about how he needs a running partner, well, too bad, cos i just hate running. it's boring, it's repetitive, and i hate it. i know a lot of people say that running helps them clear their minds - all i think when i go running is "when is this torture going to end??" hahaha, i know what you're thinking. zip it.

oh well.

we're off to R's hometown this weekend for a lil kenduri. i think this is jigglboo's second time going back. she's only been to my hometown once for her aqiqah. the girl is a kl girl, i guess, haha - she spends most of her time here cos my family's always in kl anyway and R's family comes to visit occasionally.

jigglyboo can baby talk now. i think she's going to be quite the talker. she even gets angry at people now, haha.

gotta get home early today and start on my second batch of lactation cookies!

monday.

happy monday!

it's gonna be a busy week ahead at work.

the past weekend was tiring but well-spent Alhamdulillah. R went out of town for a wedding with his friends on saturday so i brought out jigglyboo with my sisters to breakfast then a quick trip to a local chairty shop by Islamic Relief Malaysia. one of my sister volunteers there so we've bought donated some stuff and also bought stuff (our second stroller that we need for park trips) from there. this time, my sister found a few books and a cute little romper for jigglyboo. i was thinking that i was going to keep jigglyboo's clothes that she's outgrown for future use (who knows, right? haha). but then i gave it some more thought, and i think i should just donate them. i mean, i won't need to use them for at least another couple of years - and they didn't cost that much to begin with - so might as well give them to people who really need them at a cheaper price. those little clothes have brought us so much happiness, insha Allah it can bring someone else the same.

sunday was spent doing a little shopping for myself and jigglyboo (mostly hers; she's a lucky girl haha). we spent the whole weekend at my mom's place; we were just too lazy to go back to our own.

which reminds me; tonight i really need to get a headstart on another round of spring cleaning at our place. need to separate out the clothes that i wanna send off for donation and the ones that i actually wear...and find my workout clothes. cos i also gotta try find my yoga mat that's buried somewhere underneath all the junk. my lunchtime weekly yoga class starts tomorrow, wish me luck!

btw, tomorrow is already gonna be the first day of april. can't believe a whole quarter of the year has passed by - and that jigglyboo is three and a half months already. time flies by so fast! just another month to go, and we'll be sending her off to her daycare during office hours instead of leaving her with my mom. it'll be sad and i'll probably worry a lot sending her to strangers, but i take some peace of mind knowing that i'm sending her to a good daycare (my siblings and i were brought up in a good one as well). and hopefully there'll be an opening at the creche downstairs at my office soon so we can transfer her there.

besides, we really need to give my mom a break. she's been looking after jigglyboo for a month and a half now, and although she never complains, i feel bad taking away so much of her time. she's always so busy doing her own stuff and now she's kind of stuck at home most of the time, then she spends so much time traveling back and forth from kuantan-kl on the weekends that it worries me. at her age, she should be just relaxing and spending her time doing her morning walks and whatever else that she normally does on her weekdays. so that has actually been one of my biggest motivations in sending jigglyboo to daycare -eventhough it's quite a chunk of our monthly income but knowing that she'll be in good, trained hands - but we'll settle into a routine and we've worked out our financials. it's not gonna be easy, but we have so much support and love in my life, i'm sure we'll be okay.

passion.

i feel like everywhere i look these days, people are working on something that they're passionate about. my brother and his wife have a small, independent cake business that's actually really taken off (they even supply to some cafes on the weekends). i also have a friend who runs a business making cookies and wedding gifts. then i have another friend who's left her cushy consulting job to start her own yoga business as well as friends who have been in the business of photography for awhile now. all this is definitely a good thing, i know, but it just sort of leaves me wondering, what am i doing to fulfil my passion in life? am i even passionate about something enough to have it as a career?

honestly, i don't know.

a few years back, i thought i had a real passion for writing. so i left a short stint in one of the big four companies and applied for a place to do masters in journalism and communication (still easily the best decision i ever made). before i left for journalism & comms school, i took almost a year off to just try to get some work in the industry. i lucked out and got hired to become the editor for the website version of a young women's lifestyle/educational/empowerment tv show. this lead to a couple of connections offering me writing gigs for scripts for that particular tv shows and ultimately other tv shows. i honestly thought i had made it; how cool was it that i was being paid to do something that i loved for a living?

buzzkill.

i didn't really LOVE doing it. i mean, i loved writing. but i hated working with producers and how they nitpicked over every aspect of my scripts. i could work with that though, a bigger problem was the payment. you don't get paid a mighty lot for writing scripts. you actually need a steady inflow of writing gigs to be able to stay afloat, because even if you do get the gigs, the checks don't come fast enough. i learned those lessons well, back then. i could go the route of starving artiste, but i wouldn't be able to support my lifestyle.

i know, i know. money isn't everything and all that. but the thing is, i like my lifestyle. i don't splurge on much -i'm definitely no shopaholic - but i do enjoy hanging out with friends and trying out new cafes and all that. so, i need a job that can afford me all those litte things in life that make me happy. which is why i slaved away two years of my life doing a routine, accounting job that paid fairly well. and i cant complain much about my current job. it's fairly interesting in the sense that i don't do routine work, we get to work on different projects, the pay is good, i don't work on weekends and i still get home in time to make dinner.

but when i look at my friends who have their own little businesses - it gets me thinking, what do i have? i could try asking for writing gigs again but that requires attending writing/production meetings which i don't have the time for since i have a job. i like cooking - but i'm not good enough to do it for a living and don't even have the moolah to open a cafe. i'm not good at arts or crafts - so i can't do that. i'm not that into fashion - and i can't sew to save my life. the only thing i like doing is organizing events; but i'm not really an outgoing person by nature so that's probably not the best match, huh?

so i really don't know. i like working, but am i really damned to be one of those people who work in an office until they retire? shouldn't there be more to life than that? i guess that's a conversation i can only have with myself.

two.

i'm supposed to be working on something for work right now, but i'm just not in the mood. sigh.

R and i are always in a mood lately. not good ones, that is. maybe we're just so tired. in between trying to keep the house in order, managing our finances, taking care of jigglyboo - we're just stretching ourselves thin. i can't remember the last time i plunked myself on the sofa and just watched my tv shows on weeknights; the way i did when i was pregnant.

weekends are normally spent running around too, meeting up with family and friends or doing some activities. it's ironic really; you want your life to be fulfilling but the things you do to make it happen, end up being the exact things that tire you out.

these days, i don't have too much time and money at our disposal, so we have to pick and choose which friends we want to see, and what kind of activities that we want to do. it's become quite a struggle.

i am thankful for the little things though. jigglyboo is sleeping so much better at night. she spends her days playing a lot so she normally gets six straight hours of sleep at night. we have fun watching jigglyboo grow every day. she's turning into quite a happy, beautiful baby. it's amazing to think how she was once just a tiny little thing in my tummy and here she is, all laughing and kicking in front us. God is Great.

anyhow, less than two months to our little two-year-anniversary getaway. i'm kinda excited about it - it's somewhere neither of us have ever been to - and it's gonna be our first trip with jigglyboo, just our little family of three.

here's to enjoying life but also keeping a lookout for the future.

home.

flight MH370. B777 aircraft. 239 people onboard. red-eye flight, from KL to beijing.

we've come to memorize the facts of the missing plane. but they're still very difficult to digest. and it hits so close to home particularly because it's our national air carrier; one that we've flown with plenty of times before.

personally, i hate flying. you're thousands of feet up in the air, and you totally have no control over anything that happens. you listen to the safety procedures given out by flight attendants before departure but you never think that you're going to need it. i am well aware that flying is generally very safe and the statistics of people getting into accidents on land are millions of time more than something happening while on a flight but because i'm so afraid of heights, i still hate it.

"have a safe flight."

we say it to family and friends, sometimes without even a second thought. it's just become sort of a figure of speech. you send people off at the airport and you expect them to be picking them up when they come home. for the people in MH370, their loved ones are still waiting.

i remember waking up saturday morning, scrolling through twitter like i always do since R and jigglyboo were still asleep. i saw breaking news that said MAS had lost all contact with a plane that had left KLIA slightly after midnight and was supposed to have arrived in Beijing at 6.30am. MH370 was officially missing.

today, we are all hoping. we are all praying. everyone is clueless about what actually happened onboard, and we fear that no one will live to tell the story. for the past couple of day, we have been the headlines of world news and the whole world is praying along with us. our pilots and crew are acknowledged to be among the best in the world. whatever happened, we know they would have tried their best to save everyone.

there is a feeliing of hopelessness. and we turn to God. because in Him, we have faith. to the people of MH370, we are are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. This was your fate, but we all know, that could have easily been one of us.

"to our guests, welcome to Malaysia. and to all Malaysians, welcome home."

come home soon, MH370. we'll wait for you.

love and adventure

"may your first word be adventure and last word love." - bruce feiler

jigglyboo is full of life, love and laughter these days.

there are times that R and i put her on our bed in between us and just spend our time laughing with her. what an amazing, precious gift she is. sometimes, i can't believe how much love i have for this little tiny human being.

there will always be challenges ahead of us. pressure from the outside world. and i hope she remembers that she is loved. no matter what, we want her to be safe and happy and for her to have the adventure of her life.

hello.

dear friend,

how are you? i hope you and the family are all well.

it's funny. we don't live that far apart but ever since our fall-out, i haven't seen you at all. not even bumped into you anywhere. i've bumped into way more random people, but not you.

it's been a few years but i there are times when i find myself thinking about you. how different our lives are now and how we would be spending our time together now if we were still talking to each other. i'd see something somewhere and immediately, i think "oh, you would love this."

i know a lot of people think back about their past and say they wouldn't change a thing. with you, i think there are things that i probably would've done differently- gentler words, softer actions. i felt like there was a separation between the real you and the you that i knew. i still don't understand it, or your actions back then - i'm still as painfully honest as i was back then, and you're probably still as mysterious as you've always been, but i probably would've dealt with our situation a little more maturity.


you and i are both mothers to little girls now; how insane is that? i remember that we used to say that one day, we'd find a house near each other and our little ones have fun together. we would build cool treehouses, wings and we'd fill their rooms with lots and lots of books.

it would be so much easier if i could just move on and pretend you don't exist anymore. but that's the sad part; you really don't exist in my life anymore. we're only separated by a little distance and common acquaintances; but we're really just strangers to each other now. we don't have any current memories - and i've built lots of great new friendships since the demise of ours - but they're not what we had. it was a strange, comforting connection,; and it still baffles me til this day.

we shared so much of each other's lives. sure, we had our major differences, but at the same time, we we each other's confidantes and we understood each other's dilemmas. how do i leave you behind in the past, when a part of you is always with me? how do i erase all those moments we sat by the beach, looking at waves and thinking how cool it would be if we could build our future houses right there next to each other? how do you forget all those long conversations we had while driving through the roads of our hometown?

you and me; we're lucky. we found love; within our partners and these little bundles of joy that Allah blessed us with. whatever has happened in our past, we can learn from and try to make our future better. we can make our families different from what we've always known.

i miss you. i'm writing all these thoughts down in a letter that i'll never send to you - but at least i'm putting these feelings into words. one day, maybe i'll look back at this letter and smile. maybe one day things will be different again; in a good way.

blink.

last entry, i was talking about how life has changed for me throughout the last year.

yesterday, i got news that one of my closest girl friend's dad had just passed away of a heart attack.

just like that, he's gone.

i didn't know her dad very well, i knew her mom better. her dad seemed healthy enough; at least there were never any mentions of hospital trips or medical issues.

i can't imagine how she must feel like right now. and to be so unprepared, for such a life-altering moment - i am at loss for words.

and us as friends; what do we say to a friend who is going through such a thing? you want to comfort them, you want to attempt to make them feel better - but of course you know, things won't be better - not for a long time, at least. how do you help soeone get through such a devastation?

in the end, i guess, you just have to let time work on its own. i don't think she'll ever be the same, chatterbox, happy girl that we know - but i hope she remembers that she is still surrounded by love - by people who would do almost anything to take that pain away.

she doesn't know of the existence of this blog, so it's highly unlikely that she would ever read this entry, but regardless, this is for her.

babe, i love you. you're strong, beautiful and kind-hearted. this wound will leave a scar that will always be a part of you, but insha Allah, you'll get through this. may your dad's soul rest in peace. amin.

change

sometimes, change can be a good thing. the unknown and uncertainty is always going to be scary but what's life without a little surprise?

an ex-boss of mine recently made a move within the company from KL to head another team in Houston. which sort of triggered and made me think about how much change our lives have gone through lately.

all in all, he was a great ex-boss. sure, we had our differences but i don't think i'll ever find another boss that was as supportive and open as he was to his team. he was one of the reasons that made me think twice (along with all the friends i'd made at my old company) when i decided to leave. work is always gonna be tough but i had a great environment there. and i wasn't sure if i could ever have that kind of support at a new place.

at the end of the day, i'm glad i decided to make the move. i think career-wise, moving is inevitable. you can't let yourself be tied down based on sentiments. even if you don't see them on a daily basis anymore, real friends will always still be friends. a year ago, i was still serving out my three-month notice and doing knowledge transfer to the person that would replace me (who would eventually leave too, just a month after me haha). i'm happy where i am now. sure, the friendships aren't what they used to be like, but to be fair, i don't spend all my time at the office anymore too so we don't have that extra time to bond. i actually have a pretty good life now. and the colleagues may not be my best friends, but they're warm and supportive.

it also made me think about changes in my personal life. a couple of weeks back, we brought jigglyboo for her two-month checkup with her paed. i also had my post-natal checkup with my gynae on the same day. when i think back about it, it was kinda surreal seeing my gynae hold our two-months-old baby. the first time we met my gynae, he'd just scanned me and showed us a tiny blob in my tummy which turned out to be our beautiful, happy girl. i was having horrible sickness which didn't subside until the fourth month and all i could think was that i just wanted to fast-forward everything to where the baby is out. and here we are, holding a living, breathing, tiny human in our arms. life is good, alhamdulillah.

i am so thankful for everything we have. i hope i never forget that, and never forget to thank God.

two.

jigglyboo just turned two months a few days back. i can't believe time has gone by so fast. soon, she'll be two years old before i know it!

as i mentioned in an earlier post, jigglyboo came out at 37 weeks, a wee bit underweight. but i can tell you, we don't have to worry about her weight now. haha. we both had appointments last monday (me with my gynae and her with her paed)- and when my gynae saw the little girl he delivered two months ago, he was kinda surprised at how much weight she gained since. "like mother, like daughter", he said. pffttt. yes, i'm working on losing all this excess weight.

anyway, i know i haven't done an entry on my labour experience. i wasn't sure if i wanted to (or if i would even remember all the details - some of them are just a blur haha). but i decided i'd do one anyway - cos i know when i was pregnant, i read a lot of other people's labour experiences. it just gives you a feel of what to expect, although i must say, you can't really be prepared for it haha.

anyway, here it goes (this is gonna be a long one!)

it was late sunday afternoon (15th december) and i was planning on cooking chicken soup (i remember this well, because it was my comfort, go-to-menu for when i'm lazy to cook anything else on wkends). at first, i just felt a little trickle of water coming out around 5pm or so. but i went to check in the bathroom and i didn't feel anything else, so i just ignored it. went about making dinner for that night. then after dinner, around 9pm or so, felt another trickle. decided it must be a sign so i just texted my gynae, told him what happened and asked if i should go to the hospital or not.

so he replied, saying i should just go to the labour emergency area to get it checked out. i didn't exactly rush, so i just grabbed my emergency bags (me and jigglyboo had two separate bags) and made sure i brought my Guarantee Letter(GL) from the office in case i needed to be admitted. honestly, i was nervous because it was still early (i had just entered my 37th week) and i hadn't really prepared myself mentally (i thought i had another two weeks left, i was even planning on taking leave at my 39th week).

so we left for the hospital right around midnight (hospital is just in front of our house, separated by a park and stadium, that's why relax je haha). so as soon as i finished with all the registration stuff, i was ushered into a room and onto a bed where one of the nurses strapped me into one of those machines that they use to moitor the baby's heartbeat. i was int he room for quite awhile cos they couldn't clearly hear the baby or something (apparently she was sleeping). they even literally shaked my tummy to attempt to wake up jigglyboo (seeing how she sleeps nowadays, i'm not surprised she didn't wake up; if that girl wants to sleep, she will sleep haha). so that took about an hour. then a doctor came in to see me. she inserted that speculum thingy to see what my dilation was - which didn't hurt, it was uncomfortable at most. because i had heard so much about how much it hurt, i was braced for the worst. so i was pleasantly surprised (i will tell you now, i spoke too soon).

anyway, the doctor confirmed that my waterbag had indeed leaked (no, i didn't have the experience of having my waterbag burst or gush out) and i was 1cm dilated. so since i was leaking, they asked me to be admitted (i knew from my reading that they would, for fear of infection). i also heard the doctor on duty calling my gynae, giving him an update (i don't envy specialists who have to take calls at 1am haha, my poor gynae). then off we went to th wards upstairs.

although HUKM is a public hospital, throughout my pregnancy, i had opted for the private wing (UKM Specialist Centre). i told them i wanted to upgrade to a single room and off we went. the rooms were pretty old-school (i actually wrote a suggestion for them to refurbish the rooms - and improve their menu - in the patient satisfaction survey when i checked out haha). but then again, i chose UKMSC because it was really near to our place and because i'd read great things about their specialists - as long as they had single rooms, i was okay. so R had me checked in and then he had to go home for awhile to pick up his stuff (he had forgotten to pack his own bag haha).

R had to make do with sleeping on the armchair in the room (which wasn't very comfy - but luckily he can sleep anywhere). i barely got any slept because my contractions had started to kick in. to distract myself, i just wrote down every time i had a contraction - at that point, i was feeling them every half an hour. R happily snoozed through the whole time, even when i was clutching his hand in pain. i tried to get as much sleep as i could, because i knew i would need the energy later on but every time i dozed off, i was awaken by the contraction pains.

anyway, later that morning, they sent breakfast which i didn't have the appetite for, so i just made do with some bread. then around 10.30am, my gynae came into the room to check on my progress. this was when he checked my dilation again - he used his hand instead of a speculum - so that really hurt haha. at that point, i was 4cm dilated. and i reminded him that i wanted my epidural. as usual, he said okay, but he wanted to administer pitocin (this is a drug used to induce labour, which isn't abnormal in cases like mine, where there is a risk of infection because of the water leaking) and send me to the labour room first. he said the baby was still positioned high so we;ll see how it goes and around 2pm, he'd let us know if we can proceed with normal delivery or we'd have to opt for a c-section.

so he sent us off to the labour room around 11am (which was on a different level than my ward so the nurses had to push me onto a lift and through staring crowds haha). i guess the pitocin started to really kick in when we got to the labour room because the contractions started to really, REALLY hurt. i really don't know how to describe the pain, but things got real, yo. i've always thought i didn't have a high level of tolerance for pain, but i just gritted my teeth throughout the whole ordeal. i kept telling R to remind the nurse about my epidural, which a nurse finally came in and gave me a pamphlet and asked me to read through it. i actually just wanted to yell, "i know all the risks! just give me the papers i should sign!" haha but i was trying to be brave and stay calm so i just read it and waited for her to come back.

after awhile which felt like forever (in reality, it was only half an hour), i asked R to go find the nurse and remind them about my epidural (yes, again, that was the only thing on my mind obviously, haha). but then my gynae appeared and happily (my gynae is a very relaxed guy, obviously) checked my dilation again. this time around, it didn't hurt as much, probably because the pain from contractions were even worse, sigh. he announced i was 7cm already (ha?? when did that happen?) and i'd probably be delivering soon.

guess what i said in return? of course, "i want my epidural!" at this point, i was trying really hard not to flip out and not yell at people (you want to be nice to people who are gonna help with your labour, and they were really nice to me, too) but still, i was getting frantic, the pain was becoming a bit unbearable.

one of the nurses offered me that gas mask to help with the pain which i refused, becaus i had read it made a lot of people nauseous and didn't really help much with the pain anyway. all i wanted was my epidural, was that too much to ask for? i was happily going to pay for it (well, the office was haha). my gynae seemed quite amused, i think he was trying to get me to chill out. he then told me it was a bit too late to adminiter epidural because i was already at the height of my labour. i could feel myself panicking. all throughout my pregnancy, i hadn't even entertained the thought of having a drug-free delivery. hello, i'm not good with pain, ok! i remeber kind of yelling/whining, that i didn't care, i still wanted my epidural. i know this seems repetitive but that's exactly how the conversation went haha.

then a bunch of nurses tried to cajole me into going drug-free (hello, i'm paying for private hospital fees, shouldn't you be pushing me to take epidural? (haha in hindsight, i do realize they were doing a good thing, epidurals are not to be taken lightly but i was just a woman obsessed at the time). my gynae seemed to relent at first (i think he just didn't want to deal with me whining non-stop about epidural haha) but then thought better of it and told us that even if he administered the epidural shot, it wouldn't have much effect on me because i'd still be able to feel the pain during my delivery. it would honestly be a waste of my money. he even made a joke that by the time they were ready to administer my shot, the baby would probably already be born.

i honestly felt like bursting into tears. but i finally went like, whatever. i'll just have to get through this. so, fine, no epidural shot. so after that whole hoo-ha, my gynae left us for a bit. i swear to god, the contractions that came during this time were no joke. i started feeling the urge to push - but i tried to hold back as much as i could - because i had read (maybe my problem was that i read too much, haha but honestly, i'm glad that i had a lot of info beforehand - it helped me in knowing what to expect) that if you pushed before you were fully dilated, it wouldn't be good for the baby. but still, by 12 noon, i thought i would pass out from the pain. i told a nurse that came by that i was getting huge urges to push but she said to try hold out (sigh!). five minutes after she left, i made R go out and look for my gynae and tell him i really wanted to push, haha. he went out and found a nurse and the nurse said my gynae was already on standby and was hanging out near the labour hall. around 12.15 (i remember this quite well because i was trying to keep track on what time it was - i just wanted the whole ordeal to be over) my gynae appeared, with a smile, of course, and happily announced, "ok,let's do this!". i dont remember what i said in return, except whining that i wanted to push now! haha. after pulling on his gloves and mask and all, my gynae checked me again, and said i was fully dilated and i could start pushing whenever i was ready.

i sat up and at first push, i forgot that i wasn't supposed to push up my bottom while pushing (although i had read this countless times, haha). the nurse quickly reminded me to hold my bottom down while pushing. she tried to get me to hold onto my own leg, which of course i totally ignored - who has the time to think about holding onto their legs while pushing? haha. so poor R had to hold on to my left leg while to make sure i kept my bottom down while my gynae held the other leg. every time i felt a contraction, i just pushed like crazy. the nurse was really encouraging and said i was doing a great job. i think after the second push, my gynae told me i had to push harder because they could already see the baby's head crowning and he was worried she might get stuck or something (honestly, i don't remember what he said haha). so the next contraction, i just pushed as hard as i could and everyone kept telling me just a little bit more (i think it was at this point that my gynae made some incision cuts to help the baby out - i didn't feel it, though- i only knew because R witnessed the whole thing and relayed the whole ordeal to me). it was during the last push that i pushed so hard - i'm surprised i didn't pop a vein, or maybe i did, haha) and finally i could just feel a sensation of relief in my bowels (ew, i know, but it's the truth - and i had an enema before coming down to the labour room) as the baby swooshed out. i have no idea how the baby came out, because R was too busy holding me and watching it to remember to video it haha but according to him, our little jigglyboo came spinning out and my gynae grabbed her head and pulled her out. i immediately heard her crying her lungs out. my gynae let R cut the umbilical cord and the nurse put her to me for a second so i could have a look (jigglyboo was a girl, of course!) and i don't remember much of that moment except i was kinda in a relieved daze and she looked a bit blue-ish/grey-ish and covered in blood. jigglyboo was officially out at 12.27pm after about 10 minutes of hardcore pushing.

so the nurse took jigglyboo away to get her cleaned up while my gynae pulled out all the other stuff that was left inside (he told me not to push as he applied pressure on my tummy and literally pulled stuff out). then he got onto stitching me up down there. i'm sure he bius-ed me up because at first i couldn't feel anything but halfway through, i started feeling a little pain and went "but that hurts!" haha. he gave another bius injection and waited a bit before continuing his stitches. i asked how many there were, and he smiled and said, "don't worry, not much." R counted as he stitched and told me there were six stitches, which i thought was a lot but then realized better after talking to other people who had given birth haha. then before leaving, he laughingly said "see? you didn't need epidural after all." i didn't know whether to laugh or cry haha i think i made a face at him while laughing.

we had to hang out in the labour room for awhile after that because it turned out jigglyboo was just a wee underweight at 2.49kg (the normal minimum weight was 2.5kg, sheesh - oh well, i guess the healthy pregnancy dieting worked haha). after almost an hour, they finally said we could go back to my room and i got to hold jigglyboo throughout the ride back upstairs (after a couple of days of being held up in the hospital - we got held back because jigglyboo had high levels of jaundice - i realized i had left my flip flops in the labour room, cos i got pushed in a wheelchair pre-delivery and went back to my room on a bed post-delivery - luckily they were still safe and sound and R went to go pick them up for me hehe).

afterwards, R told me how it looked from down there while i was delivering jigglyboo. i think he is just as traumatised as i was, honestly. there was blood, a lot of blood. hehe. i know a lot of women don't let their husbands look while the process is going on, but i would rather have R experience it too in his own way - and he definitely got an experience! haha.

so, that's pretty much the story of our baby being born. i didn't get much sleep that day, we had lots of visitors -my parents only came the next day because they were on an outstation trip. and of course there was the aftermath, the sore bottom for days, the sting when going to pee, and the fear of tearing something when i finally had to go to pass motion four days after (they gave me painkillers and also meds to bring down the swollen bottom and to help with the constipation). but don't worry, all that is nothing compared to the contraction pains hahaha.

but honestly, i understand why some women get baby blues, post-delivery. for weeks after being released, i struggled a lot with breastfeeding and my milk supply and was just so exhausted most of the time, even with my mom and R helping out a lot. plus, we were so worried about jigglyboo's jaundice levels. but after about a month or so, i started to get a hang of things. i went out with my family for quick trips - lunches, dinners, that kind of thing - and it definitely helped improve my mood. staying cooped up for 40 days may work for other people, but i feel like you know yourself and your body better - just do whatever feels good for you (and consult your doctor, of course - i saw my gynae for my two-month checkup the other day and he said i could go run a marathon if i wanted to - the rest is all psychological).

it really is true, a happy mommy makes for a happy baby. the first month i was pretty moody and a lot of times, i felt like people were blaming me for jigglyboo's jaundice (although no one said it outright). and i was supposed to feed her every couple of hours so she could poop more and slowly get the jaundice out of her system. with my milk supply being just enough, i was getting pretty frustrated. after three weeks (actually after we made the best decision of going to see jigglyboo's paed which eased our minds a lot), i just started to relax more and enjoy the time with jigglyboo and it just got a lot better. my nips didn't hurt anymore when breastfeeding and we had gotten used to a routine, and whenever we felt like having an outing, we just brough jigglyboo along with us.

at the same time, i was google-ing stuff and asking friends on how to boost milk supply. some people told me ulam pegaga and lobak putih. i had no idea what lobak putih looked like, so R went out and got me a handful of ulams which i juiced up along with an apple and OJ. then i read that brewer's yeast and fenugreek seeds and rolled oats also help boost milk supply. i couldn't find brewer's yeast but i did find the other stuff and since i don't like eating oats with milk, i made cookies out of them. the thing is, you have to get a lil bit creative and have fun with it. first batch of cookies turned out a little bitter so i guess next time i'll have to crush the fenugreek seeds before adding them to the cookie batter.

a couple of weeks before i started working again (i got sixty days paid maternity leave - with the option of one month unpaid, which i didn't take) we went out and got myself the Medela Swing Single electric pump. i had already been using Unimom's electric pump before that but it was pretty bulky. i can't say for sure but i think for me personally, the Medela pump combined with the food i started taking, there was an improvement in my milk supply. nowadays, when i'm at home, i breastfeed jigglyboo directly and i pump twice at the office (once in the morning, once in the evening) and i also try to pump when i'm at home, in between her feeding times. so far, it's working out okay, i used to only get 2oz everytime i pumped during the first month after an exhausting hour of pumping. but nowadays, i usually get 4oz every session, and sometimes, even more if i'm lucky. i still keep organic formula milk on standby with my mom when we leave jigglyboo with her while we're at work. i know breastmilk is the best source of nutrients for a baby and all that, but i'm not going to be one of those moms who obsess about it to the point of stressing themselves out. as much as humanly possible, i'll try to supply her with breastmilk but there have been occasions during the early days when my frozen ebm had just run out or it couldn't be heated up fast enough because jigglyboo was wailing her little heart out. i just try my best with supplying her with milk, but in case of emergencies, i try giving her the best formula milk i can afford, which is the organic formula milk (which is very hard to find and expensive, i might add).

so there. that pretty much sums up my experience for the last couple of months. motherhood is definitely rewarding, but people should also be aware of how hard it is and how much you need to sacrifice. it's a huge responsibility, taking care of another little human being. i'm glad we waited until we were ready to have her, financial-wise and also time-wise. she lights up out lives and this experience is something that we wouldn't trade for the world.

balance.

been back at the office for a week now. everyone keeps asking if i miss jigglyboo when i'm not at home. sometimes, i'm kinda stumped for an answer. well, of course i miss her. but it also doesn't mean i wanna be a full-time housewife. which sounds kind of horrible, i know. lots of people would kill for the opportunity to be a housewife and spend every waking moment watching their child grow up. which is something that truly deserves respect. being a housewife is way underrated, i can assure you.

but apart from the fact that i need the monthly income to support us (and also my leisure expenses, let's be honest), i like working. it keeps me sane. i spent sixty days at home with jigglyboo, which was fun, but equally tiring. i think i'd enjoy being a housewife later on in life, when jigglyboo is bigger and i'll be shepherding her to all these extra classes (which will still require money) and spending time with her, checking her homework and all that. but who knows, kan? only time will tell.

as of now, i'm just taking things a day at a time. i'm lucky to have a job at a workplace that truly does promote work-life balance - so i'm always home at a decent hour and when i'm home, i can really focus on the things going at home without worrying about work. sure, if i wanna chase the whole big job/big pay thing, i'll have to aim at looking for another job in the next few years. but for once, i feel like i've settled in. i like the work i'm doing (it's not routine work like i used to do in accounting), my teammates are supportive and helpful and i like the exposure it gives us.

i've been here for about 9 months, and i've enjoyed it so far. i think i'll stick around for awhile.

domestic

it's a well-known fact that i hate cleaning up. i don't enjoy sweeping, mopping, doing laundry and all that. i mean, i do it cos i have to, but i don't obsess over it like some people do. like, my mom, for instance, would mop her place every single day if she had her way. that's just crazy to me, haha.

i did get into a bit of spring cleaning spree awhile back when i was pregnant- we pretty much did a total overhaul on the apartment. we threw out a bunch of junk, rearranged furniture around, went on a shopping trip to get new stuff for the apartment and just had a lot of fun with it. ok, that was probably me going through what they call a nesting phase.

the one domestic chore that i do really enjoy is cooking. i'm not very good at it (i only started really 

cooking for myself when i went to aussie for a year to do my masters) but i really do like the whole process of planning out balanced meals and throwing stuff together. i think it was easier back when i was in aussie because healthier options and fresh produce is definitely much cheaper over there but after awhile, you learn to adjust with what you have. i don't do much malay-based cooking not because i don't like it, but because i'm not very good at it, haha. they tend to be more complicated and i'm a pretty fuss-free girl when it comes to cooking or baking. 

come to think about it, there was this one little magazine that i would buy in brisbane every month, without fail. Australian Healthy Food Guide. luckily they have a website online, but being a girl that likes to hold her reading in her hand, it's just not quite the same. 

nowadays especially with everything being so expensive, we definitely eat at home a lot more. but then again, fresh produce can also take up quite a bit of our budget so i try to plan out our meals, so grocery-shopping stays within budget (i always budget a bit more for some extras, like my fave choc pudding and yummy treats haha). i'm also lucky that the new job allows me to get home at a reasonable time so i can get home and cook something decent.

cooking makes me happy. even when things don't go perfectly, it's still a new experience for me, and i get to learn from mistakes. i guess it's true, you make your own happiness. do what you love, love what you do and the rest will fall into place.

yellow.

it's been about six weeks since i last wrote but so much has happened it's kinda surreal.

yes, i finally delivered little jigglyboo. she came out, kicking and screaming, but that's another story for another day.

i think i wanna write a little about the health issue that plagued our little jigglyboo since she was born. remember how i was on a carb-light diet throughout my pregnancy cos my gynae was worried that the baby would be too big for me to deliver normally? so it happens that jigglyboo came out a couple of weeks earlier than expected and she was a bit underweight (2.4kg to be exact).

anyway, jigglyboo had jaundice from the second day. all i can say is, it's very important to keep yourself informed on health issues that affect yourself and your kids, and to ask the right people for information. because if you allow other people to give you wrong information, you're in for a big headache. since jigglyboo was born in a private wing under a public hospital, we were still advised to register to do checkups with the government clinic to follow up with jigglyboo's jaundice levels. THAT was the start of our little nightmare.

i don't think the government healthcare is horrible, don't get me wrong. it's free, and some people definitely benefit from it. the facilities are also pretty good. but if you're looking for nurses to give you detailed explanations or information, then that's not the place for you. so basically, i kept bringing jigglyboo to check her jaundice levels every other day (where they had to take blood samples) - they once even sent us to the hospital emergency room because they weren't open on saturday. the funny (or sad, depending how you saw it) is, we kept going in for tests, and every time jigglyboo's levels didn't return a good result (her numbers hovered a bit above normal levels), all the nurses kept telling us  apart from to keep breastfeeding, was "this is dangerous for the baby! her jaundice level isn't supposed to be this high! you shouldn't be taking any black pepper or spicy food!"

eventually, after two weeks of going in, i got fed up. the nurses were acting as if i WANTED to prolong jigglyboo's jaundice. and i knew from the reading i did that a mother's diet did not affect her baby's jaundice levels, eventhough she was exclusively breastfed. so we got fed-up and scheduled an appointment with jigglyboo's paed. went in to see her, asked all the questions we wanted to know (see, i knew the diet didn;t affect jaundice) - and we felt so much better afterwards. the doctor ran some tests to exclude any other possibilities - then concluded it was just a case of breastmilk jaundice. as long as we kept an eye on her progress, it would go away on its own after awhile.

and it did. all the nurses kept telling us that the longest jaundice period should only be two weeks but i had read that some babies' jaundice lasted for almost a month. in jigglyboo's case, hers lasted for a little more than a month. but alhamdulillah, she's a healthy, happy, loud, bouncing baby now. but if we had kept going to the government clinic, we would still be stressed out and we would still be subjecting jigglyboo to blood tests every other day for no good reason.

so it's a total relief for us now that she's healthy. of course, as a parent, you worry about everything. all the cries, rashes, tummy aches. it's kinda insane that you're actually responsible for the life of another little human being.

being a mom is definitely rewarding, but it's not the easiest job. you need to be strong, and you definitely need support from loved ones. i had so much stress and trouble with breastfeeding for the first couple of weeks (adding in the pressure that people kept insinuating that the quality and quantity of my breast milk was the cause of jigglyboo's prolonged jaundice) - so you definitely have to have information, instead of relying on what people tell you. always consult a professional when you have questions, don't keep making assumptions based on the little information that you have.

in the end, all we want is what's best for our children. wow, that sounds so weird, even just writing it. haha. but so true.

it's been a month and a half now, and we're so happy to have you, jigglyboo.