find that fine line

what a sad day.

i don't normally write about current affairs here (i have twitter for that) but still it's been one tragedy after another lately. with mh370, and the incursion by israelis into gaza and then with mh17 being shot down...and these are just the latest events. not even counting the countless sufferings by the rohingya in myanmar, the crisis in middle east, the starving people around the world... sometimes i wonder, what kind of world we live in. we can't even protect children and babies from dying needlessly; humankind is certainly failing each other.

it makes you put things into perspective. all this that we have, could be gone in a split second. and i realize, that while money is important, it's not everything. i hope i don't leave this world one day, regretting not spending enough time with my family and friends, not making each moment with R count, not seeing jigglyboo take important milestones in her life. so yeah, i guess i need to make enough money to have a comfortable life but i also don't wanna be obsessed with it and forever chasing more of it.

hopefully we'll be able to find a fine line of balance.

mysterious ways.

i guess if you talk about it (or in my case, write about it) often enough, eventually it's gonna happen. i know i've been talking about how i've been feeling at work for quite some time now. so after an emergency episode involving jigglyboo earlier this week, i finally took the plunge.

it's not the most rational decision i've made, but when it came down to it, i just cannot pretend that these feelings don't exist. i've been unhappy. i've tried and held on to this job for more than a year now. but deep down, i've always known that i don't fit in here. i've lost a sense of who i am. and really, no one here knows the real me.

so am closing this chapter in three months. not really sad to see it go, but it's taught me a lot. about what i want in life, and what i don't want. the job might come with a big name and cushy benefits and all that jazz, but i've come to realise that it isn't enough. i need something that makes me feel alive, that motivates me to go to work everyday. an environment that i look forward to facing, no matter how challenging it is.

i guess i'm apprehensive about what the future is gonna bring. but all i can do is be the best version of myself and leave the rest to the universe. i'm having to be very picky about what kind of work that i can do now, with a little one that needs my attention at home and on an ongoing basis. before, i would've thrown my whole self into work, not caring about day or night. but these days, i need to be smart about things.

they say, God works in mysterious ways and i believe that He knows best. may we be strong and united. amen.

heart over mind.

i must say, i don't deal with internal struggles very well. mostly because i've been brought up to be a very practical and rational person; to not make decisions according to my whims and fancy, to always weigh pros and cons.

but lately, i feel like i've been battling with myself. i don't enjoy my work. there, i said it. actually, that's not accurate, i enjoy my work, i just don't enjoy my working environment. i've been here for slightly over a year now, and i think i just need to face the facts: i don't fit in here. it's not because everyone isn't nice, because they are. but i guess i was lucky in my previous job, because i had fantastic, motivating bosses and although the work was stressful and the hours were crazy, i enjoyed going to work.

but to be fair, the life i led on my previous job wasn't really healthy. i worked late, and on some weekends and occasional public holidays. i didn't have time to eat well. i worked at the office, and i worked at home. if i recall those times, i was always stressed, waiting for the next issue that needed to be solved. but the working time was flexible, and i always got replacement leaves, although being on leave was stressful in itself cos my mind would still be on work.

so, what is it that i miss so much about my old job? the people. sure, there were people i couldn't stand but i could just ignore them most of the time, but i had my group of close friends. my boss was more of a friend to us instead of an imposing figure, so we were never afraid to ask questions. and i had real friendships there.

here, the work is fine. the pace has picked up this year compared to last year, although for some reason the boss thinks we're still free, which i don't know how that is assessed, cos most of our work is ad-hoc. but the real issue here i think is, i don't have the same level of friendships that i used to have. at the old job, i was stressed, but we still had a good time. here, i'm not stressed, but at the same time, i don't feel ANYthing.

one of my best friends put it succintly:"you just haven't found the right place."

i guess that's true. i know we can't have the best of both worlds. it's not fair of me to expect to have the best boss, the best colleagues, the best environment. i thought i could do without friendships at the office, with only colleagues. but i feel like i've been trying for more than a year now, and i don't feel like i'm fitting in any better. in fact, on the contrary, i feel like more of an outsider than ever. and i'm afraid it's showing in my work. i don't have that motivation, that passion. we used to make fun of my ex-boss for being so motivating and all, but i now realise how important that is; to know that your boss supports you and likes you and cares for you as a human being.

so i guess that's the way it is. i've always held on to that saying, "if you don't like something in your life, change it. if you can't change it, change your attitude." so i'm gonna keep to that. it's time for me to make some changes. some people might not understand my choices, and argue that i'm looking for the impossible. but i honestly don't think i should settle. i know finding happiness through work exists. i've seen it in other people. i've found part of that happiness in colleagues and bosses before. so yes, i am going to make those changes. i don't know whether these changes will work or not, but i can't live my life not trying.

i think i've lived all of my life trying to make my parents happy. i've always projected my own high expectations on myself, which has definitely gotten me this far but maybe it's time i made myself happy for a change.

anyway, happy weekend and ramadhan greetings to all.