life. lessons.

still waiting for that rainbow.

what i thought would be a fun, relaxing weekend in my hometown turned out to be...well, all that and more.

...except the "more" part wasn't exactly positive.

while carrying jigglyboo in my tummy all this while, i've been doing some thinking. i may not turn out to be the perfect parent who can provide everything that she wants or needs, but i will damn well try my best. and when i say providing everything she wants or needs, i don't mean just in the material sense.

sure, money these days is important. you need to buy quality stuff, and spend some moolah on your kids' developments and all - but love is equally as important.

of all the things i hope to teach jigglyboo, i really want her to understand about love, understanding and kindness.

i hope when i become a mom, i never forget to tell my children that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. i hope to tell them that i am always proud of them when they try their best. i hope that i always remember that they are my children, not little people that i can boss around just because their financial and well-being is dependent on me. i hope they know that they are loved - and that kindness should be an integral part of their every day being.

sure, you need to be tough to survive. but you don't have to be rude, ignorant and dismissive of other people's feelings in order to do so. you can be successful and also be a great person.

rainbows.

last week was really rough for me.

i try my best to please the people that matter to me but at the end of the day, it will never be enough.

they say, you can't have rainbows without a little rain.

guess i'm still waiting for that little rainbow to appear.

the weekenders.

back to the office after three days of R&R.

if this was a year ago, i probably would be back at the office, either filled with the drive of raring to go or filled with dread - both for the same reason : tonnes of emails would be awaiting and piles of work would be waiting to get done. in fact, i remember many public holidays spent at the office, and if i actually did go home, i'd be spending half of the time glued to my laptop and the other half worrying about work. god, that did wonders for my blood pressure.

don't get me wrong; i loved my job and i loved being productive throughout the day. but when you find physically and mentally exhausted from the amount of time spent at the office - it gets the better of you. nowadays, i get paid to keep updated with financial news - which i love, because i never had time to do this no matter how much i wanted to - and since everything is new to me, i'm learning lots of new info everyday. and we are given time to actually learn and absorb the knowledge - a luxury i never had previously.

anyway, my long weekend was spent in R's hometown in muar. as usual, we spent a lot of time at home. but on sunday, R managed to convince his whole family to spend the whole of sunday visiting a few towns in johor. i finally got to try the ever-famous kluang railway kopitiam. yummy and cheap; definitely wouldn't mind going again! we also made a quick tour at one of the famous national parks in pontian followed by a pretty good seafood dinner before heading home - i was exhausted by the end of it, so went straight to bed as soon as we reached home. i'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

speaking of being exhausted though, my bump has definitely started to grow over the last month or so. it's like it came out of nowhere! haha. i'm a little bit past the six months mark now - so i guess we're heading into the final trimester stretch now. luckily a lot of people i know have been giving birth lately (maybe it's a seasonal thing or i'm just getting old haha) - and they seem to have come out okay, but hey you never know what can happen, right? guess i just gotta get into the right mindset. funnily enough, i've been getting a lot of info off the internet - i have yet to read a single book about giving birth or parenting - i haven't even attempted to buy "What to expect when you're expecting." i guess i don't wanna psych myself out so i've just been relying on babycenter online a lot, and asking questions to my gynae.

my energy levels are still pretty good. i've gotten my cooking mojo back - so i've been doing a lot of that at home - it also helps with the household budget. i've also been able to help R out with some of the other household chores - just the ones i like tho, like sweeping the house and a throwing clothes into our washing machine haha. i still hate mopping and folding laundry (some things will never change). but i read that in the last trimester that my energy levels will probably start to decrease due to the extra weightage i'm carrying around - so i guess i'll try taking it a bit easier in the next few months.

here's to hoping the next few months go along smoothly as planned!

keeps me warm.

i hold on strongly to my religion.

and i believe in kindness.

that's all there is to it.

your song.

"You've got the words to change a nation

but you're biting your tongue

You've spent a lifetime stuck in silence

afraid you'll say something wrong

If no one ever hears it 

how we gonna learn your song."

              - Emeli Sande, Read All About It

for some reason, this song has always resonated within me.

it takes a lot of guts for us to speak up. especially when we're faced with people that we know don't agree with us. people who are straightforward, direct and know what they want are often labelled difficult. and being in certain societies, we are often pressured into being agreeable just for the sake of not rocking the boat. but it's one thing to be polite, and another to be silent.

why do we care so much about pleasing other people when it goes against what we believe in? listen to what others have to say. but also arm ourselves with valid and educated points. argue and disagree respectfully. arguments and disagreements are not a sign of weakness. treated the right way, it's a sparring battlefield where we can have mutual respect for each other and come out with a better understanding of different perspectives. you may not agree with those perspectives, but treat them with respect all the same.

most importantly, to get others to respect us, we gotta start respecting ourselves first.

be strong. be brave.

seventy percent.

yesterday, on my drive back home from work, i was listening to BFM in the car, as i normally do on most days. talkback (the name of the program) was having a discussion on the recent national education blueprint 2013 that was recently published and open to public.

in particular, they were talking about how the blurprint had disclosed that 70% of malaysia's english language teachers had pretty much failed their cambridge test and were unfit to teach. seriously, 70%! what are they teaching in our national schools? there was also a disclosure that some

so anyway, the callers consisted of old-timers, parents and young ones - sharing their stories on how they (and their children) picked up and learned english. basically, what people were saying was, it started at home. AT HOME. either they picked it up from tv (hot fave apparently, haha), video games and books. and a lot of people mentioned that parents also communicated in english at home, which obviously helped. for these kids, schools need to enhance their resources and materials - there were some cases (actually a LOT) of students pointing out how the teacher was actually using wrong grammar or pronounciation. oh, dear.

this doesnt mean teachers should be released from their responsibilities and accountabilities of actually teaching well. far from it. because for kids who don't live in urban areas, who don't have parents that are exposed to english - they need good teachers. they need support, encouragement and good reading/writing/communication material.

but the reality of the matter is: we're in trouble. when even english teachers can't seem to string together a sentence properly, how are we to expect that the non-urban students to perform? they might be able to memorise stuff, but that's not really learning. and what happens when they go for interviews - are they going to memorise scripts for that too?

i'm not sure how exactly the ministry is going to tackle this problem; but they could take a cue from Teach For Malaysia - an excellent program that sources graduates to go and teach in areas that REALLY need help. they are paid relatively well (don't lah compare to investment banking or whatever) but most importantly, the entry requirement is HIGH. these fellows (i think that's what they're called) are given really good training.

i'm no expert but at the end of the day, i think the problem with our education system (especially for the teachers) is that teaching seems to be such an easy cop-out route for a lot of people. bad exam results? takpe, apply jadi cikgu, dapat masuk maktab. want to have a relaxed life? apply jadi cikgu. have a daughter who doesn't know what to do with her future after spm? apply jadi cikgu, bila dah kahwin nanti senang nak mintak transfer ikut suami.

and no, i'm not making up these answers. these are actual things i have heard from actual people.

but why are our standards for teachers so low? this is an honorable job - you're educating a generation of young minds. only those who really want to teach, should teach. not just because you don't have anything better to do with your life.

this actually saddens me. because i have friends who are teachers, and they work really, REALLY hard. they really care about their students. sadly, they are bogged down with so much administration work and reports that this distracts them from their actual work: TEACHING. and nowadays, we have schools (and principals) who are hell-bent in competing with each other on whose students scores the most straight As. it's all exams, exams and exams. nobody seems to care WHAT these kids learn or HOW they learn it - they just want you to score as many As as possible!

i guess, it's also the pressure of this whole rat race we're in. just talking about myself for example, i don't think i could just up and leave my job now, with the pay and benefits i get - to go and teach (my lack of patience is another issue altogether, haha). cost of living is very expensive these days; and i need all the income i can get. so i'm not surprised that other professionals are also reluctant to do the same. seriously, at work, i am surrounded by brilliant minds and talent - inquisitive professionals - sometimes i wonder, if all of these incredible people were out there working as teachers, how amazing would that be for our education system? sadly, all of us are tied with our own commitments - and life just doesn't work that way.

maybe, one day, we'll find a solution to this. until then, let's just do what we can in helping educate our own kids, and the kids around us.

movers. shakers.

friendship.

as we grow older, i feel as if it becomes less complicated. or maybe it is just as complicated as it used to be; just the way i decide to handle it leaves much less space for drama.

my problem has always been that i have strong opinions. and sometimes, i make those opinions known; loud and clear. this makes people uncomfortable. risk is, you alienate people and you won't be everyone's friend anymore. then again, i've never been much of a people-pleaser. i am well aware of my faults on this. maybe it's just me, but i would hope that my friends would do the same for me. i would rather people tell me things to my face instead of whispering behind my back. whether or not you listen to what i have to say; that's your prerogative.

anyway, as we grow older, i guess it just becomes clearer - you surround yourself with the people that you feel are the best for you. some people could be the nicest people; yet you just don't feel yourself around them. lack of chemistry; that's all there is to it.

at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, you know who's going to be there for you. because, history shows, who was never there for you. as much as i try, i can not, and will not, be every one's friend. and i don't want to put anyone in an awkward position either. so if it's easier this way, then i'll just let it be.

thrive

i think mr kutcher's message in this speech is very inspiring; and should serve as a reminder to us all.

i probably didn't grow up with that much financial hardship, thanks to my parents. but i've always grown up under pressure to prove myself. i faltered during my early days, just posting average results in college. but after a few failed attempts at doing ACCA, i realized that i really needed to buck up or all this would be a waste of time and my parents' money. so i studied like crazy and passed that stage (i wouldn't wanna go through that phase again tho haha).

during the one of the semesters that i studied part-time, i took up a full-time audit job at a small firm (all the bigger firms rejected my applications - and my shaky interview skills didn't help either), cos i was failing my audit subjects miserably and in some kind of desperation, i thought that would help me understand better the things i was studying. the experience DID help. you can only learn so much from theory. going out and getting things done really enhances your knowledge. and i met the best bunch of colleagues who are still my friends right up until today. but after that stage, i decided to do my last sem full-time, which thankfully paid off.

after that, i thought it would be a new experience to do internal audit. but after a couple of months, i decided it wasn't my thing. the big firms that rejected me previously offered me places at their firms and naturally i was excited at the prospects. i think, that was the first time in my short career span that i realized things aren't always what they seem from the outside looking in. i got a rude awakening of how things were done at the big four firms. i dug my heels in and persevered for all of six months but at one point, i just couldn't lie to myself anymore. i wasn't happy.and it was affecting my life.

so i decided to just take the plunge and say goodbye. i reminded my dad of a previous agreement we had made; that if i finished my ACCA, then he would let me study whatever i wanted to after that. so that's exactly what i did. i went to IDP education for consultation, and went crazy on the internet - looking for universities that i could study something i've always been interested in: writing. i tried to find local courses but none looked too appealing so in the end my dad said i could go to aussie. applied for a one-year master's program in journalism and communication in a uni in brisbane, without basically knowing a single soul over there.

and that year off was pretty much the best decision i ever made. i wouldn't say it was an easy decision, especially with my dad, who agreed but who never let me forget that i was pretty much wasting precious time of my life. i had half a year of unemployment to look at before i left for brisbane so i took up an internship stint with a local communications & production company (something which i'm very proud of because of the kind of work and programs that they do) - and did freelance work writing scripts. i worked on tv series, corporate videos, and articles for the website.

i think getting that out of my system in my mid-20s was the right thing to do. otherwise, i would still be at work today, holding on to that dream that i could be doing freelance work with writing. which isn't impossible, but it wasn't all i thought it would be. i wouldn't mind doing it on the side but having it as a full-time career option is just not for me.

so after i got back from the year off, i started back in the accounting & finance industry. got accepted into an organisation that was just starting up its finance hub here in kl.i had fun and made life-long friends there but the work was demanding, physically and mentally. there were days (no weeks) at a time when i just felt like throwing in the towel and upping and leaving. but i also learned valuable lessons. how not to buckle under pressure (although there was that incident of bursting into tears in front of my panicked boss, haha) - and how to meet expectations and deliver what needs to get done. i promised myself that i would stay as long as i was having fun and learning new things. those two years plus really did fly by.

after two years though, my priorities changed. and i needed a change in the direction of my career as well. i couldn't be doing what i was doing for the next 20 years. it would just kill me. and i knew i wouldn't be happy, or have the kind of quality of life that i needed. so i targeted a few companies that could offer me that career change. explaining to them WHY i wanted that career change wasn't hard, getting them to believe me was the hardest part.

but then again, i didn't leave because of the crazy hours. or the stress. by that time, i was used to it. and i had great bosses who supported me; even after i decided to leave. i just needed to grow. and i had to find the right place to do it. there have been reservations so far but at the end of the day, i'm glad i took that leap of faith. starting over is never easy. but i've always been up for challenges. the challenges here might not be as taxing as the one i was used to, but nevertheless, they require a different set of skills.

at the end of the day, when i think back about it, my short career life has had its ups and its lows. things weren't always what i imagined them to be and things didn't always work out the way i wanted them to. but everything that i went through, i made sure i took them as lessons for the future.

these days, i'm going through a different adventure altogether with mommyhood, but i like to think that once i get back on my feet next year, i'll look forward to other new challenges.

"it always seems impossible until it is done."

truth, indeed.

foodie.

remember how i said in the last entry that i rarely get to see my friends lately?

the thing is, it's not that i don't want to go out and hang out with them. but these days, i tire out easily and i don't really feel comfy sitting in a chair for hours at end. i feel happier at home cooking and chilling out at the sofa in front of the tv.

well, it turns out that i've found a way to kill two birds with one stone. and some of my bestfriends don't seem to mind co-operating. and i'm very grateful that all my friends get a long really well with R. in fact, my friends are pretty much his friends too. so it makes my life much easier. nowadays, if the said friend asks me out and i just don't feel up for a session in the mall, i just invite them over for dinner. haha. well, my cooking skills aren't exactly wide-ranged, but i do okay.

so last week, we had M over. i made (well, assembled is a more appropriate word haha since all i did was flip the patties and sautee the onions, mushrooms and capsicums) burgers. and we still got in some quality time. and today we're gonna have K over - i havent thought of what to make yet - prob something easy like aglio olio.

these were the dishes that i started out making when i was in the land down under a few years back. eating out was super-expensive there (i pretty much only went for kebabs, nando's and fish n chips - but boy did i go crazy on their fro-yo haha) so cooking was the cheaper and easier option. maybe it was easy for me cos i kinda shied away from doing complicated malay dishes. i pretty much stuck to roast chicken, homemade pizza, pasta dishes and sandwiches.fun thing over there was that their grocery stores were heaven! i really miss going to woolworths in garden city (i'd go on a weekly basis, just re-stocking all my supplies) - the fresh produce was lovely, the variety was amazing and their dessert selection was to die for haha.

there are some options here in kl to get what i got there - but it costs waayyyyy more. like, i could go crazy in BIG in publika, but i try to restrain myself. i'll try to get fresh produce somewhere cheaper like at the local shops and when i feel the need for imported goods (waffles, ice cream, cookies, etc) - that's where i'll head to.

oh well. we all adjust to our current surroundings, huh? gotta make do with what we have. as long as i'm surrounded by loved ones, then i'll pretty much be okay :)

boo!

so R and i went shopping for jigglyboo (yup, that's what we're calling her - yes, it's a her- since we haven't figured out a name yet) over the weekend.

we spent a pretty penny but at least we got the more expensive, important stuff out of the way already. we got her one of those infant car seat/carriers together with a stroller (i won that battle! haha) and the breastpump set (after talking it over with the salesgirl - who was super-helpful) i decided to not go for the crazy-expensive brand (although i'd read great reviews about it) and went with a cheaper brand instead which is hopefully just as good. good deal though, it came with a package consisting of the cooler bag, bottles and all. anyway, since i saved a little on the breastpump set, we could afford to splurge a little on jigglyboo's stuff. we also paid a visit to the hardware store to get some paint for our vintage crib project haha. thanks to my parents, it really is still in good condition even after 20 years - just in need of a little touch up.

i guess i'm a little excited now than i was in the beginning. especially now that i can feel her moving around in my tummy. it's such a funny, weird (and ticklish!) feeling. both R and i have been super cautious with our finances - so i think we'll be okay. we'll just focus on getting jigglyboo settled in and set up a baby fund for her and all - and once all that is done, we can start thinking of the new house. all in good time.

seeing as how finance is a bit tight these days (thank god i'm a lot stronger on my feet these days, and am able to cook again) - i feel guilty splurging on other stuff but i really think R and i should at least go on a babymoon haha. well, our honeymoon did only consist of a night in The Dusun (which was really lovely though) - but maybe we should take some time and enjoy ourselves before the baby comes.i'd really prefer to go somewhere nice and private but we'll see.

looking forward to a few days off next month. this long weekend we're heading back south and next month we'll be heading back home to the east coast.

i feel like i see my friends a lot less these days, but i've gotta pick and choose. can't win em all. but then again, everyone is so busy with work and other commitments - who said being responsible adults was fun?

kindness matters.

i have read the attached commencement speech time and time again, but it never gets old (sort of like the Steve Jobs commencement speech). so for those who haven't read it, i strongly recommend you to go read this lovely speech by George Saunders on being kind.

http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/george-saunderss-advice-to-graduates/?_r=0

colours.

as most of my friends know, i can be quite vocal on my political stance. i'm not necessarily pro-whatever party but i think i just naturally tend to gravitate towards being more liberal. but then again, my dad is one of the most conservative-minded people i know (politics-wise, not much in any other aspect in life haha) so honestly i have no idea where i got my left-side tendencies.

time and time again, we keep hearing about "kalau tak suka malaysia, boleh keluar." up to the point, it's become somewhat a joke. and a fave of trolls everywhere on twitter. then after the 2013 election results unveiled itself, the catchphrase turned into "apa lagi cina mahu?"

honestly, this saddens me.

i feel like i have never disputed bumiputera rights in this country but let's not go overboard with it. if i see unfairness and injustice, i am not just going to turn and look the other way. i may not be the kind of person who will take to the streets to protest, but i fully support anyone's rights to hold a peaceful assembly (which is well within their rights of this country's laws).

the amount of racist words (hurled from all parties) post-election kind of depressed me. but most of all it made me angry.

sure, i was born malay. it was by pure luck; it's that simple. so when you treat my non-malay friends like they are 2nd class citizens just for being born as non-malays, it makes me very upset. these are the friends whose ancestors have come to malaysia to build a new life many, many years ago. malaysia is the only country they know. my grandparents migrated from indonesia many years ago; so how is that different? just because they had somewhat malay blood in them? if my chinese/indian friends are considered as pendatang, i stand with them and say, so am i.

look. there are bad chnese people as much as there are bad malays, indians, sabahans, and sarawakians. but i believe that for one rotten apple, there are also many great ones.

over the past few months, i have read posts that talk about how sad they are to see malays in disarray. how malays need to come together and unite. sure, but unite against what? don't confuse with being malays as being muslims. it's only exclusive to a country like malaysia.

i am always a muslim before i am a malay. and my religion teaches me of kindness, of love, of compassion. so if i see a malay that is full of hate and spews racist shit at every opportunity, i'm supposed to like them and vote for them just because they're malay? I REFUSE.

it's very disheartening to hear from friends who think i am not a supporter of my own race (although why it matters so much what race i am is beyond me - who is a pure malay anyway? we're all a mix of many things) just because i'm not an ultra-malay and don't agree to their concept of ketuanan melayu. well how would you feel if there was a concept like ketuanan cina or ketuanan india? i don't think malays would like it very much, would they? so pray tell, why should i support people who treat my friends as if they are unequal citizens of this country?

"biasalah, janji melayu."
"cina memang kaki penipu."
"india memang pemalas."

are these the kind of things we want to pass to out future generations? is this the kind of message i want to teach my future children? again, I REFUSE.

because i hear it all the time around me. i know as many of malay friends who make it a point to be punctual as much as i know chinese friends who are honest and kinf and indian friends who have worked hard and struggled to achieve the success and careers they have now.

malaysia is made up of many backgrounds, colours, and lifestyles. that is the beauty of our country. that is the heart of our nation. we're all malaysians. we're all in this together.

if you expect others to respect you and your choices, please give the same respect to others. maybe if you had more friends outside your own race, you wouldn't feel so threatened and sensitive all the time. if malays really feel threatened that their economy or identity is being taken away, then work harder. i don't think chinese people sit around plotting of ways to bring down malays. they're too busy working their asses off. and even if they were, then you gotta make sure you work harder than they do. compete on a level playing ground. how long do you want to be propped up with subsidies and benefits? change your own destiny. it might be hard, but it's not impossible.

i am thankful to my parents for giving me a great education, support and confidence. i want to raise my children as better human beings. nothing is impossible if they work hard for it. usaha, dia, tawakkal.

don't be afraid of what others think of you. be smart, be brave. struggle is a great teacher, you just need to be aware of its lessons.

before pointing our fingers at others, take a good look at ourselves in the mirror. look at our own weaknesses and own up to our own faults. work on being better every day. at work, at home, with family and friends.

don't be afraid of hard work. i want to raise my daughters to not be afraid to compete with my sons (and my sons to respect women). but most of all, i want my kids, irrespective if they are boys or girls, to always compete with themselves.

let's work on passing on a greater malaysia to our future generations.

call me naive. call me an optimist.

but i will always choose hope over fear.

31st.

so Merdeka celebrations have come and gone. it's not wrong to still feel patriotic, right? yes, despite all the things happening within our beloved nation, I still feel proud of this small nation. despite our imperfections, i am proud of the nation-builders this country has. our opinions on how to save this country might differ, but our objective is the same. we want the best for this nation, and for its future.

i'm not really one of those flag-bearing, Negaraku-singing citizens. my patriotism is more subtle. i don't feel the need to shout it out loud or argue with other people just to prove my patriotism.

there is no place like home.

i especially feel that way when i am traveling/out of the country. at the end of a trip, i always feel so happy to be on home soil again.

i spent almost a year studying in the land down under. not a very long time compared to others but still, time away the same. most people thought i was crazy, leaving a secure job, family and friends to go study something that was something totally out of my comfort zone (i really didn't know a soul there). but i liked the anonymity of starting over somewhere that has no history recollections of who i am, who my family and friends are, etc.

i enjoyed my time there - i truly feel being away from everything that is comforting allows you to really discover what you're made of. you find yourself in a lot of uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations but still, you just plow through, making the best out of things/situations. i won't deny i got homesick though - and i enjoyed immensely when familiar faces came to visit me, ie. my family and friends who made the trip to visit me while sightseeing - but the time away from malaysia allowed me to truly define myself and what i stand for.

i did my final journalism project on a political event that happened back in malaysia. and i found it so refreshing that throughout my time there, not once was i asked, what race i was. whenever i met someone new, they just asked me "so, where are you from?" and everytime, i was always proud to say "I'm from malaysia." (there was this one time when a guy told me he'd been to malaysia and all he saw was malls though, haha.

i met students from all over the world (my roomies consisted of students from vietnam and india) - some of my good friends there were from indonesia, brunei and also china. everyone was proud of the country they came from, but they were also honest about its shortcomings. in order to improve, we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror with untinted lenses. nobody appointed me to be an ambassador for the country but in my own little way, i felt like i was. no matter how insignificant i was, i was a representative of malaysia. and i wanted to do her proud.

when the time came for me to head home, i bid my goodbyes and readied myself for another new adventure all over again.

and when the Malaysia Airlines aircraft i took home descended in Kuala Lumpur and the aircrew announced, "...and to all Malaysian, welcome home," i got the chills and there were tears in my eyes.

malaysia, i'm home.