it's gonna be my first raya away from my family this year. i know, i shouldn't complain because last year rohe had to spend time away from his (and this year it's my turn) and my family-in-law are great people...but it's just weird, you know?
oh, well.
going into my 20th week, i've been feeling a lot better compared to my first trimester. no more daily morning pukes. and my appetite has stabilised a bit. but i'm still careful about what i eat. gynae (yup, we finally settled on one i feel confident about - he's experienced. it's within our budget range and the hospital is right across the street from our place) warned me to watch my carb intake cos he's worried since i'm not very tall, and if the baby ends up being too big...then well, there's gonna be problems. i havent picked up a single pregnancy book yet, which is weird for me. but i've looked up a little info here and there on the net (i told my gynae on my first visit that i need epi for delivery haha). but at the end of the day, i just don't wanna psych myself out. and i don't really have much options on my food intake, seeing as how some food really make me feel sick - so i just try to take my meds and not feel guilty about anything else.
i still haven't told that many people about the pregnancy, apart from close friends. not that i want to hide it or anything but i just don't feel comfortable when people ask me about it. and i honestly don't know how to feel about it. people expect me to be like over the moon with happiness, and as horrible as it sounds, i'm not. i don't dislike my pregnancy, i just don't really have any feelings about it. i want him/her to be healthy and safe and i know our lives are going to be so different once he/she arrives, but apart from that, i really don't know what to do. the funny thing is, i've always been a planner when it comes to every other aspect in my life, but when it comes to this, i'm sort of clueless. i haven't bought a single baby item and i just don't feel prepared emotionally or financially.
i know everyone says, semua anak ada rezeki masing-masing. but that doesn't do much to alleviate my worries when it comes to financial matters. i've always been quite careful with my money and i feel like so much is going on right now. we finally feel settled in at the new apartment but soon our house will be ready and we'll have to think about in addition to the monthly loan payment; how we're going to come up with the extra moolah to do all the furniture and fittings and renovation stuff. at the same time, the baby is coming so that's another extra allocation we need to set aside for his/her expenses.
but then when i take some time to step back and think about how different my life is now compared to what my life was just a year ago, i feel so grateful and blessed. this time, last year i wanted to make my own raya cookies but with work, it just wasn't possible. i'd just been married for a little over a month and i have to admit, my life pretty much revolved around work. even when i wasn't physically in the office (which was rare), i was at home doing work. don't get me wrong, i learned a lot and i loved my bosses and friends there but the job just consumed me.
this time around, i pretty much took it easy. with the pregnancy and all, i'm just doing what feels right for my body. i leave work at the office (i rarely leave after 6pm) and at the same time, i feel like i have time to learn and absorb from all the courses i'm attending. thankfully, my sickness eased up just in time for the holiday period and i've been feeling well enough to work on a number of baking projects with R. it's been pretty fun; we've made orange cakes, lemon cookies, choc chip cookies and peanut butter-jelly cookies.
and the best part is i don't have to plan my life around work anymore. i mean, obviously i take into account deadlines and courses that i need to attend and all, but i've been able to take time off to go for my monthly gynae appointments and also take raya leave without feeling guilty and suffering the consequences when i come back into work. i've been reading friends' statuses on fb - on how they can't enjoy raya because they have demanding deadlines and some have had to shorten their leaves and whatnot; and i feel so relieved that i'm not in that position anymore.
so this year, i'm thankful for everything i've gone through which has made me a better, stronger person. and i'm also very, very grateful for everything i have today.
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