but lately, i feel like i've been battling with myself. i don't enjoy my work. there, i said it. actually, that's not accurate, i enjoy my work, i just don't enjoy my working environment. i've been here for slightly over a year now, and i think i just need to face the facts: i don't fit in here. it's not because everyone isn't nice, because they are. but i guess i was lucky in my previous job, because i had fantastic, motivating bosses and although the work was stressful and the hours were crazy, i enjoyed going to work.
but to be fair, the life i led on my previous job wasn't really healthy. i worked late, and on some weekends and occasional public holidays. i didn't have time to eat well. i worked at the office, and i worked at home. if i recall those times, i was always stressed, waiting for the next issue that needed to be solved. but the working time was flexible, and i always got replacement leaves, although being on leave was stressful in itself cos my mind would still be on work.
so, what is it that i miss so much about my old job? the people. sure, there were people i couldn't stand but i could just ignore them most of the time, but i had my group of close friends. my boss was more of a friend to us instead of an imposing figure, so we were never afraid to ask questions. and i had real friendships there.
here, the work is fine. the pace has picked up this year compared to last year, although for some reason the boss thinks we're still free, which i don't know how that is assessed, cos most of our work is ad-hoc. but the real issue here i think is, i don't have the same level of friendships that i used to have. at the old job, i was stressed, but we still had a good time. here, i'm not stressed, but at the same time, i don't feel ANYthing.
one of my best friends put it succintly:"you just haven't found the right place."
i guess that's true. i know we can't have the best of both worlds. it's not fair of me to expect to have the best boss, the best colleagues, the best environment. i thought i could do without friendships at the office, with only colleagues. but i feel like i've been trying for more than a year now, and i don't feel like i'm fitting in any better. in fact, on the contrary, i feel like more of an outsider than ever. and i'm afraid it's showing in my work. i don't have that motivation, that passion. we used to make fun of my ex-boss for being so motivating and all, but i now realise how important that is; to know that your boss supports you and likes you and cares for you as a human being.
so i guess that's the way it is. i've always held on to that saying, "if you don't like something in your life, change it. if you can't change it, change your attitude." so i'm gonna keep to that. it's time for me to make some changes. some people might not understand my choices, and argue that i'm looking for the impossible. but i honestly don't think i should settle. i know finding happiness through work exists. i've seen it in other people. i've found part of that happiness in colleagues and bosses before. so yes, i am going to make those changes. i don't know whether these changes will work or not, but i can't live my life not trying.
i think i've lived all of my life trying to make my parents happy. i've always projected my own high expectations on myself, which has definitely gotten me this far but maybe it's time i made myself happy for a change.
anyway, happy weekend and ramadhan greetings to all.
No comments:
Post a Comment